Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Gretchen Siepp, Blair Howell, Me, Lori Howell

The history of my name is complicated.


I was adopted by Blair and Lori Howell before I was born. My biological mother, Gretchen Siepp, was only 16 years old when she got pregnant with me and her second cousin, Lori, was unable to have children. And so off to the Howell's I went. Being progressive people, they wanted to name me Cooper. The Siepp's wanted me to have a name that runs in their family, like William. So I became William Cooper Howell. I think it sounds impressive. It sounds like a lawyer, or a doctor, or a politician, or an apostle in the LDS church; All things I've imagined myself becoming...

Its taken me a long time to like the name though. I've always gone by Cooper because that's what my parents wanted to call me in the first place. So they always have. Everyone always has. But when your 4 and every other child on the playground calls you "Cooper, the super dooper pooper scooper" you get an immediate distaste for your own being. The very thing you are called becomes something that you wish you could change and not have. Those psychological frightening's had a profound impact on my self esteem that perhaps lasts to this day. I had many long conversations with my parents asking them why, why, why they cursed me with the name I had. I can still smell the California playground and the feel the heat of the sun, still remember where I would stand and what the slow burning behind my brain for each of those times when other kids would make fun of my name. Those insults, when your younger, run so deep don't they? I feel like I'm finally to a place where I am OK with "Cooper". More and more babies are named it everyday. It took me 22 years to actually meet another one. Man, I sound like I just need to get over myself.

Not until recently have I actually acknowledged my first given name. William...

William \wi(l)-liam\ as a boy's name is pronounced WIL-yum (haha!). It is of Old German origin, and the meaning of William is "will helmet, protection". For a long time after the Norman conquest in AD 1066, three out of four English boys were given some form of the conqueror's name, William. Short forms and variants came into being with a common basic meaning of "will", "determined", or "resolute".

Its fancy, shmancy as compared to...

Cooper \co(o)-per\ as a boy's name is pronounced KOO-per. It is of Old English origin, and the meaning of Cooper is "barrel maker". May also be the English form of a German surname meaning "coppersmith".

... which is not awesome.

And Howell, from what I understand, were Hoe'ers of the field in Wales who "Hoed well". Good at Farming... so they become known for it? I dont think I've touched a hoe in my life. At least not the farming tool kind (Terrible joke, haha) 

Essentially then, Conquerer/Protector-barrel maker-hoer of the field. Its almost as if there is a slide downwards of coolness starting with the first name I barely recognize and to the last name I will be legally filed under forever.

Here's the deal. I've been living with Cooper for 24 years. He's pretty OK I guess. There is a lot I like about him; I think hes attractive, funny, introspective, intellectual, an appreciator, kind to others, a lover, an awesome kisser... but there is a bunch I don't like. First and foremost I don't know ANYTHING about him... that list up there is just things. But I continue to throw myself into situations that make me seriously unhappy. I have been seriously unhappy for around a year now. Anyone who knows me should be pretty surprised by that because I am a very good actor. But I'm tired of acting like I'm something I'm not. But I donut know what it is that I'm not. Who is Cooper? Do you know? I don't... In January and March of this year I tried to kill Cooper because I didn't like who he was and it didn't feel fair that I had to be someone I hated and didn't know. You follow?? 

If William means what it does then those attributes attached to that name are a part of me. Huh... I do not feel any protection to or from myself, I don't feel royal, I don't determined or resolute about anything in my life anymore. I dressed myself up in all sorts of clothes telling myself I am this and that and lived for 24 years in those clothes... but you know what, those clothes were itchy and smelly and didn't make me look good. 

Here I am now. I'm completely naked. I'm ready to start finding those clothes that fit. They might be clothes I've never tried on before... but I cant be afraid of the unknown anymore. I'm ready to find the William in my name. In me.

Soundtrack: Get Myself Together, Robyn


 

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