On A New Start Somewhere Else

Goodbye...

UVU. I loved this school. It was the best 13th grade I ever went to. But that was the problem. It didn't feel like real college. It was very easy. It was very simple. I suppose that's a good thing in some regards but not for me. I want to be challenged and pushed. The Theater program was really nice with some awesome teachers... but I never really found my place there and I felt like they didn't know what to do with me. I was always fighting for some unseen ideal they were going for with me and nothing seemed to work. I was there for 3 years. Long years. Good years. Years full of hard work and passion. I feel no attachment to the place anymore. It felt more like a monetary then a school to me.


Also Utah Valley,
Its a gorgeous place... that they call the bubble. No real culture or sense of depth and incredibly judgmental. What a comfortable place to be though. I loved growing up here. I went to Junior High and High school here. Its time to move on. Its important for people to spread their wings and fly. Katie, my best friend, has been trying to convince me to do this for around a year now and I finally did it... I transfered to the U.

The U is a marvelous place. Large doesn't begin to describe the campus. It is full of opportunities. It is a land of open ideas. Here everyone is totally different and its absolutely OK to be who you are... and part of my journey right now is to become OK with who I am... and I didnt feel like that was possible down in Utah Valley. I kindof feel like I escaped Utah Valley and not just moved away.

The school also has a BFA program. Its very competitive and challenging every day. I love that. Its hard to leave my friend base behind 30-45 away but that can be an adventure all in itself. I love those friends and will always keep them. I love my memories of here and will always keep them. Sorry Utah Valley... our time is done. I cant really find myself surrounded by everything that makes me so comfortable... and yet so wildly uncomfortable at the same time.

On Suicidal Tendancies

 

Ever since I had to honestly admit to myself that I have "Homosexual Tendancies" I've been some degree of suicidal. I only talk about this because this is my honest place and today I really struggled.

I was told 3 different times by 3 different people that I was being difficult in some degree or another. Now this happens to everyone everyday. But with me, i have days where I dip so low that I become almost unrecognizable socially and back off to the corner of the rooms. Its how I cope. Aloneness.

Oh, please dont freak out. I'm super blase about it. I have come a very long way since last October. It started when I had two breakups in the same week. One with the girl I felt like I should marry (who I still think is perfect) and the other with the guy I cheated on her with (because I was a good Mormon boy and good Mormon boys don't a) cheat and b) with boys!) I felt so trapped in my body. I felt so guilty and foolish. I couldn't believe that my life was turning into what it was. I envisioned nothing but Temples and Sacraments for the rest of my life. I was the President of the Institute Program. I was a full time home teacher! I served a marvelous mission for the church. And then I went and blew it up to smithereens.... I felt like I had let down the entire world. I asked my bishop for help and he just told me to "Pray it out". To use Faith and all the hurt and pain will go away... but it only got worse. I did every Mormon thing I knew how to do and yet by December I was so depressed I didnt even know who I was anymore. I would go through my entire day and put on the best acting performance of my life to my friends and family. 

One day I got really tired of living. I woke up that morning and felt totally drained. Not because I had done anything exauhsting but my mere existence took all the energy out of me. The only time I got any sort of relief was when I was asleep... so the idea of sleeping forever seemed more restful then my daily confrontation with my horrific and down sliding life. No amount of prayer seemed to change that either. Was my faith to weak? Was my tolerance for the Atonement of Christ to small? Was I being foolish and overdramatic? My roommate at the time was going through a Police Academy course. That night he his gun and left it out on the ottoman carelessly. I thought "How perfect, an answer to my prayers". Naturally I took whatever bullets were there, climbed into my car, and drove up to Draper mountain (the view is incredible) to say my final dramatic goodbyes to the world and kill myself. I have no idea if I put the bullets in right... I had no idea how to really use the gun... and when I put it in my mouth it was so disgusting and dirty (I thought he had cleaned it! I guess just the inside). I didnt know what to do... I sat there for 5 hours trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. The world didnt need one more Homosexual Mormon Theater Major in Utah Valley who mopes around and has relationships with boys behind the church's back... especially one with a calling such as mine.

And then a cop pulled up and you have never seen anyone hide a gun faster then me... He was just wondering what I was doing up there at the parking spot so late.

On the way home I laughed and laughed. I deserved better then the fate I was assigning myself to all because I like something that everyone around me was telling me not to... in this case boys. 

Things got really bad for a while and I actually tried it again when that same boy came in and then went out of my life in much the same way as before. He told me when he left me part 2 "You'll never be a Mormon and a Gay at the same time. People die trying to figure that out and they always lose." That hurt a lot... and for a while I thought it was true. I dont know if I feel that way now...

But its been a year... Its almost October of 2012 and I have gone through a huge transformation. Sometime in March I decided that I was not going to life in the shadows of my heart anymore. I am literally taking everything in my life out, examining it, and making decisions about them before I let them in. I DONT WANNA DIE :) I am better then that. I have been given a life and I am going to figure out what to do with it and no one, not even my parents and leaders, can tell me what I need to do. I only say that because before I took everyone else's advice and it led me down a path of such deep depression that I tried to end my life. That doesnt sound like truth or personal honesty to me.

To this day there are still moments that I feel this need to end things. I think "Oh gosh, I cant do this or that... I just need to dissapear" but I never do. Its just lingering side effects of from the disease of my soul that I started last year. Suicide is like dark purple sea and I'm trapped on its cold beach. I somehow landed there last year. The waves of my life grew so big that the waves was all I could see and feel. They were tidal waves that would hit me again and again and they got so high that they would drown me. But now I am swimming through them and I am starting to see whats across the bay and around the beach instead of being stuck in the sand and drowning in the tide. I will never try to kill myself now. I have bad days, like today, where I dip really low. The difference is I have uncovered courage that I didn't know existed to

Life is worth living and exploring I believe. I love to learn from my mistakes and from my experiences. I have no regrets. I am not a quitter, in life or otherwise now. I am beginning to love William Cooper Howell, even though I am still in search of him and largely dont know who he is yet. The sea of my soul is calm, drinkable, and smooth, ready for sailing in whatever direction I'm going to go.

On Having a Empire State of Mind

What is the purpose of going after your dreams?

... and is it possible for dreams to change overtime? Is it possible for a person to be OK with those dreams changing? Will one regret having a dream change when they look back on their life? Do dreams always have a cost?

My dream for almost my entire life was to be a successful entertainer. On stage, on film, on the radio, on the television, I dreamed and still do dream of doing everything and being exceptionally good at it and well known.

As I get older though I'm starting to look at my dreams and wonder what they are all about. "What is the purpose of a dream?" I'm starting to ask... and the mere fact that I'm asking that frightens me.

I am in a production of "In the Heights" at the Pioneer Theater in Salt Lake City. I play a young, horny, BMX biker in the ensemble. This theater is nationally renowned and highly recognized for its quality and professionalism. Most of the principle characters in this production are paid professionals apart of a national union of actors (AEA) and their lives are centered around performing and around traveling. They are to be my peers and compatriots in the performing arts world. They are very talented... but I wonder to myself as I watch them if they are happy? I wonder what they feel their lives are about? Most of them dont have families because they dont have time. A lot of them are single. Does traveling America and performing for strangers fulfill ones life?

The other day I went on a date with this really amazing guy. He was perfect, in almost everyway, for me and where I'm at on my journey. I thought to myself, "Ok. This is it. Here we go." I get a call from him during intermission of my show and he tells me that he isnt able to continue a relationship with me because he wants someone with a 9 to 5 job. He said he couldnt handle me being away all the time, especially nights, that he is a "Quality Time" love language sort of person and that he wants me to have my dreams and not have him hold me back. Well thats all good and great but that makes me feel real insecure about having a relationship and being in my career path.

In the musical "A Chorus Line", a musical about 21 auditioners begging a casting director to hire them by sharing their life stories, a song nearly closes the end of the musical called "What I did for Love" where the auditioners sing about the sacrifices they've made for their "love" of performance art.

They sing...

"Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.  
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love"

... so that's all good and well but there is nothing like REAL love. And that is as much a dream of mine to have as Broadway ever is, was, or will be. I will make sacrifices to be a Father and a Husband... but I also really want my artistic dreams too... how does one balance this out?

Essentially I've realized that I dont want to be a traveling actor, wandering from job to job and wishing that I had money and had a family but have the "LOVE" of theater be so great that I cant achieve those things. That doesnt seem like reality to me. That just seems insignificant.

So New York, if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere, its up to you. But I will not stop my life or my love life for you. I pray I will find a person who will be completely understanding and open to my profession, even love and admire it, and is strong enough to help me through it. Thats what I realize.

On My Sexuality/On My Spirituality

 *breath* So I'm Gay and I'm a Mormon... There you go. Or at least I think.

I want this to go over well. I think the natural tendancy for my Mormon friends and family will be "Oh no!!! We need to save him!" and for the otherside to say "Why doesnt he just let go!? Just be yourself!" Its so much more complicated then that.

This topic is so important but its exhausting. I've written and rewritten this blog post about 90 times now and I cant find the right way to write this. So I'll just spell it out. I feel like I have to. So much of my life right now is figuring out this problem... and if it is a problem.

My entire life I have fallen in love with everyone. Guys and Girls. I've never been able to separate the gender line feelings for either side. I've always had more of an emotional attachment towards men though. Always.

I've also been Mormon (LDS) my entire life. I love the church. There are truths in that church that have been witnessed to me time and time again as truth. I love how it makes me feel (mostly) when I attend. I served a two year mission for the church in San Antonio and Austin, Texas. By the end of those two years I could almost smell God. He was a constant presence, almost physically even, and I felt like I knew him so well. I represented the Mormons on UVU campus for an entire year. I love the scriptures, I love prayer, I love the promised blessings of the commandments like Tithing and the Word of Wisdom (no alcohol/drugs etc) but where it gets very complicated is Homosexuality.

When I was young and learned that homosexuality was wrong I shoved it to the side of my heart and didn't open or touch it for years. The last thing I wanted to do (and still is) is make the God that I believe exists upset with me or be unhappy with who I was. Therefore I altered the shape and power of my heart for so so long. Then, at 23, right when I was about to take the plunge with a girl forever and ever I was given an altercation and a challenge to my plans in the shape of a man that awakened that part of my heart forever. Now I struggle to close it. I struggle to want to close it. I cant put that part of me back. Its like that moment in the book "The Giver" when the little boy, who lives in a black and white world, throws an apple in the air and sees it turn red. After seeing that red apple he realizes how black and white everything always was but he can never forget that red. Without giving a ton away about what happened to me (with respects with both parties) I found some red in my life and I can never un-color it again. I can choose not to act on that red but I have to acknowledge that its there. I think its super important to accept what the colors of your life are and not try to hide them.

Do you know what its like to have a part of yourself be considered "evil" or "sinful" or "disgusting" from the upbringing you're used to? Aand have there be a commandment from God tell you that that isn't right? Last year I was so depressed that I wanted to die. I wanted to cut off this part of me forever. I didn't like who I was and I put so much effort into changing myself that I lost myself completely. It led me to want to end myself. And thats why I was encouraged to write this blog. Was to put my truths out there and figure out how to sort them. I really actually don't want to be gay. I think its super complicated. Men are real aggressive and stupid sometimes. Trying to navigate myself through that world when I myself am a man is complex. I've ended relationship with men because I didn't understand how to be with them. Am I the man or the woman in this relationship? What parts do I play? What are my expectations as a partner? These simple questions are answered easily in a straight relationship. Not so much in a gay relationship.

However when I kiss a man I feel beauty and ease. I feel a truth so strong and, although totally different, is like reading the scriptures. This is a truth for me. The first time I kissed a man I prayed and asked God to make me feel guilt and shame about it... it didn't come. Thats when I started thinking and asking myself questions as to how I feel about this whole thing.

I love the Latter Day Saint church. I really do. I legitimately think that their doctrines are true and I believe that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet. I believe Joseph Smith actually did what he said he did. I believe the Book of Mormon is another cannon of scripture. I also believe that I fall in love with men. I feel good when I do. I feel no evil and no sin when I kiss or touch or hold a man. I feel it as truth in my body.

This will be a journey of epic proportions to try and balance these two worlds because Im not willing to let either of them go. But I feel a sense of duty to be completely honest with myself.

So there you go. *sigh of relief*

On Discovering Will... I am? Whats in a name?

Gretchen Siepp, Blair Howell, Me, Lori Howell

The history of my name is complicated.

I was adopted by Blair and Lori Howell before I was born. My biological mother, Gretchen Siepp, was only 16 years old when she got pregnant with me and her second cousin, Lori, was unable to have children. And so off to the Howell's I went. Being progressive people, they wanted to name me Cooper. The Siepp's wanted me to have a name that runs in their family, like William. So I became William Cooper Howell. I think it sounds impressive. It sounds like a lawyer, or a doctor, or a politician, or an apostle in the LDS church; All things I've imagined myself becoming...

Its taken me a long time to like the name though. I've always gone by Cooper because that's what my parents wanted to call me in the first place. So they always have. Everyone always has. But when your 4 and every other child on the playground calls you "Cooper, the super dooper pooper scooper" you get an immediate distaste for your own being. The very thing you are called becomes something that you wish you could change and not have. Those psychological frightening's had a profound impact on my self esteem that perhaps lasts to this day. I had many long conversations with my parents asking them why, why, why they cursed me with the name I had. I can still smell the California playground and the feel the heat of the sun, still remember where I would stand and what the slow burning behind my brain for each of those times when other kids would make fun of my name. Those insults, when your younger, run so deep don't they? I feel like I'm finally to a place where I am OK with "Cooper". More and more babies are named it everyday. It took me 22 years to actually meet another one. Man, I sound like I just need to get over myself.

Not until recently have I actually acknowledged my first given name. William...

William \wi(l)-liam\ as a boy's name is pronounced WIL-yum (haha!). It is of Old German origin, and the meaning of William is "will helmet, protection". For a long time after the Norman conquest in AD 1066, three out of four English boys were given some form of the conqueror's name, William. Short forms and variants came into being with a common basic meaning of "will", "determined", or "resolute".

Its fancy, shmancy as compared to...

Cooper \co(o)-per\ as a boy's name is pronounced KOO-per. It is of Old English origin, and the meaning of Cooper is "barrel maker". May also be the English form of a German surname meaning "coppersmith".

... which is not awesome.

And Howell, from what I understand, were Hoe'ers of the field in Wales who "Hoed well". Good at Farming... so they become known for it? I dont think I've touched a hoe in my life. At least not the farming tool kind (Terrible joke, haha) 

Essentially then, Conquerer/Protector-barrel maker-hoer of the field. Its almost as if there is a slide downwards of coolness starting with the first name I barely recognize and to the last name I will be legally filed under forever.

Here's the deal. I've been living with Cooper for 24 years. He's pretty OK I guess. There is a lot I like about him; I think hes attractive, funny, introspective, intellectual, an appreciator, kind to others, a lover, an awesome kisser... but there is a bunch I don't like. First and foremost I don't know ANYTHING about him... that list up there is just things. But I continue to throw myself into situations that make me seriously unhappy. I have been seriously unhappy for around a year now. Anyone who knows me should be pretty surprised by that because I am a very good actor. But I'm tired of acting like I'm something I'm not. But I donut know what it is that I'm not. Who is Cooper? Do you know? I don't... In January and March of this year I tried to kill Cooper because I didn't like who he was and it didn't feel fair that I had to be someone I hated and didn't know. You follow?? 

If William means what it does then those attributes attached to that name are a part of me. Huh... I do not feel any protection to or from myself, I don't feel royal, I don't determined or resolute about anything in my life anymore. I dressed myself up in all sorts of clothes telling myself I am this and that and lived for 24 years in those clothes... but you know what, those clothes were itchy and smelly and didn't make me look good. 

Here I am now. I'm completely naked. I'm ready to start finding those clothes that fit. They might be clothes I've never tried on before... but I cant be afraid of the unknown anymore. I'm ready to find the William in my name. In me.

Soundtrack: Get Myself Together, Robyn