On Suicidal Tendancies

 

Ever since I had to honestly admit to myself that I have "Homosexual Tendancies" I've been some degree of suicidal. I only talk about this because this is my honest place and today I really struggled.

I was told 3 different times by 3 different people that I was being difficult in some degree or another. Now this happens to everyone everyday. But with me, i have days where I dip so low that I become almost unrecognizable socially and back off to the corner of the rooms. Its how I cope. Aloneness.

Oh, please dont freak out. I'm super blase about it. I have come a very long way since last October. It started when I had two breakups in the same week. One with the girl I felt like I should marry (who I still think is perfect) and the other with the guy I cheated on her with (because I was a good Mormon boy and good Mormon boys don't a) cheat and b) with boys!) I felt so trapped in my body. I felt so guilty and foolish. I couldn't believe that my life was turning into what it was. I envisioned nothing but Temples and Sacraments for the rest of my life. I was the President of the Institute Program. I was a full time home teacher! I served a marvelous mission for the church. And then I went and blew it up to smithereens.... I felt like I had let down the entire world. I asked my bishop for help and he just told me to "Pray it out". To use Faith and all the hurt and pain will go away... but it only got worse. I did every Mormon thing I knew how to do and yet by December I was so depressed I didnt even know who I was anymore. I would go through my entire day and put on the best acting performance of my life to my friends and family. 

One day I got really tired of living. I woke up that morning and felt totally drained. Not because I had done anything exauhsting but my mere existence took all the energy out of me. The only time I got any sort of relief was when I was asleep... so the idea of sleeping forever seemed more restful then my daily confrontation with my horrific and down sliding life. No amount of prayer seemed to change that either. Was my faith to weak? Was my tolerance for the Atonement of Christ to small? Was I being foolish and overdramatic? My roommate at the time was going through a Police Academy course. That night he his gun and left it out on the ottoman carelessly. I thought "How perfect, an answer to my prayers". Naturally I took whatever bullets were there, climbed into my car, and drove up to Draper mountain (the view is incredible) to say my final dramatic goodbyes to the world and kill myself. I have no idea if I put the bullets in right... I had no idea how to really use the gun... and when I put it in my mouth it was so disgusting and dirty (I thought he had cleaned it! I guess just the inside). I didnt know what to do... I sat there for 5 hours trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. The world didnt need one more Homosexual Mormon Theater Major in Utah Valley who mopes around and has relationships with boys behind the church's back... especially one with a calling such as mine.

And then a cop pulled up and you have never seen anyone hide a gun faster then me... He was just wondering what I was doing up there at the parking spot so late.

On the way home I laughed and laughed. I deserved better then the fate I was assigning myself to all because I like something that everyone around me was telling me not to... in this case boys. 

Things got really bad for a while and I actually tried it again when that same boy came in and then went out of my life in much the same way as before. He told me when he left me part 2 "You'll never be a Mormon and a Gay at the same time. People die trying to figure that out and they always lose." That hurt a lot... and for a while I thought it was true. I dont know if I feel that way now...

But its been a year... Its almost October of 2012 and I have gone through a huge transformation. Sometime in March I decided that I was not going to life in the shadows of my heart anymore. I am literally taking everything in my life out, examining it, and making decisions about them before I let them in. I DONT WANNA DIE :) I am better then that. I have been given a life and I am going to figure out what to do with it and no one, not even my parents and leaders, can tell me what I need to do. I only say that because before I took everyone else's advice and it led me down a path of such deep depression that I tried to end my life. That doesnt sound like truth or personal honesty to me.

To this day there are still moments that I feel this need to end things. I think "Oh gosh, I cant do this or that... I just need to dissapear" but I never do. Its just lingering side effects of from the disease of my soul that I started last year. Suicide is like dark purple sea and I'm trapped on its cold beach. I somehow landed there last year. The waves of my life grew so big that the waves was all I could see and feel. They were tidal waves that would hit me again and again and they got so high that they would drown me. But now I am swimming through them and I am starting to see whats across the bay and around the beach instead of being stuck in the sand and drowning in the tide. I will never try to kill myself now. I have bad days, like today, where I dip really low. The difference is I have uncovered courage that I didn't know existed to

Life is worth living and exploring I believe. I love to learn from my mistakes and from my experiences. I have no regrets. I am not a quitter, in life or otherwise now. I am beginning to love William Cooper Howell, even though I am still in search of him and largely dont know who he is yet. The sea of my soul is calm, drinkable, and smooth, ready for sailing in whatever direction I'm going to go.