On The One that Got Away with Your Heart and how to Redeem Yourself.

It seems to happen a lot but there always seems to be that one relationship that you cant ever shake. That one person that will sour your feel bads, scare your brain, and haunt the hallways of your hearts like a ghost. I get to see this person again soon. Not that I necessarily want to but I need to. I was supposed to see this person earlier this summer but it never happened. As I went through my journal I found what I read that day before this June.

JUNE 6th, 2012. A long hot day. A long nervous day. A long busy day full of occupation.
How funny... [] is coming back tomorrow...
How interesting...
You would choose tomorrow for your re-entrance...
Of course...
You always know when I need you to tempt me again
I will make a battle plan
So this time Im saying thank you
And give you a smile thats for keeps
This time Ill actually ask how you are
And giving you a ear that will listen
This time Ill ask about your schedule
And do my best not to be on the opposite end of the world
This time I'm going to hug you with my hands, heart, and mind
And then never do it again, this time only once...
You were poison until I decided that the taste was good
And now no more
Thank you for the calories you added to my soul
Im still running you off
I maybe always will
My only weakness and my only shame
It ends tomorrow when I will open her door and you are there
I will debut an Oscar worthy version of how I really feel
And that will have to be good enough for now
Cuz there is a part of me I can never give to you again
And that I never want to.

Here's another hysterical one I found about the same person

November 17th, 2012. Snowing. Everywhere. My feet are cold.
Walking to school feels like a trail of tears
Every step cold, every movement sad sadness
I walk by the tree where you told me loved me 
Every. Damn. Day.
The place of my greatest joy
Now an emblem of my greatest sorrow
I wish that I can turn it into paper
And write a different story on its roots
Then the world would see a different me today
One where the smile on my face isnt held up by strings
or where my steps were sprints into a rays of joys
Just to be myself and live my fate
Which now is the last place Id ever want to be
Me...

Here's every person that hurts us that makes us feel like we arent worth them. Here to every failed romance with every broken person. Here's to every Adele'ish pop song that makes us feel better!

Interesting how as I look back my feelings were so intense and now they really arent... they are much smoother and I feel indifferent now. Love floats on after your heart sinks. What I had to learn is that healing takes TIME. It also takes effort into loving yourself and becoming ok with what happened in your life. I have learned that I dont need anyone to make me happy. I dont NEED anybody. I believe that we are supposed to find companionship but that if we dont have it at the moment are lives arent over. I want people and life is better with them but never again will I feel inferior or stupid because I dont have someone in my life, especially this person in particular. Raise your glass to Independence and strength of character!

A PART OF ME, Katy Perry remix by RAC (they're the best)

On What Is Love? (Baby dont hurt me...)

Funny how my last post was about the perks of being single. And now something completely different.

Seriously though... what is this thing that we call love?

It is the most absurdly obsessed over thing in our universe. It has this invisible, gravitational force that pulls it all into it. It doesn't help that our culture is obsessed with the idea of Love so that from a very early age we are thrown into its orbit. But we cant blame our culture and media for our worlds fascination with love. Our fascination with love just exists. In all its good and bad forms it exists and begs us to pay attention to it. Wars are won and lost over love, people are murdered for love, life-death-and the total meaning of life is determined by each of us by whether or not we achieve the level of love we feel like we deserve... How exhausting! If Love was a person I'd shake it by the shoulders and ask it to explain itself, but instead its unasked for needy little embryo of a holy entity that's big enough to fill the entire galaxy with endorphin popping ecstasy and small enough to be embedded in our chests by our hearts. I feel that we as society have come to adhere to the "ideas" of love so greatly that we have become idol worshipers, determined to bend over and bow to the suggestions of compatible human companionship rather then treating love like a deity that bestows its gifts where it may when its time. Which is right though? Creating love or receiving love? And when I say love I mean it in the romantic, two person, spend my life together type of love.

Not to be confused with the "love" typically found in the homosexual community. *eye roll* ugh... kill me now... A sea of broken souls who ride the waves of sex until they crash onto the beaches of emptiness and loneliness. Out of my boredom I downloaded the "Grindr" app and the adventures in "F*** me or die" land that I've had on there are among the saddest interactions with the most desperate people I have ever met. Its as if a penis will save them like a boey as they drown in an ocean of repression. My hell... what did that ever solve? But more on that later...

Me and Love have a wonderful/tumultuous relationship and... I think I might be addicted to it. I search for love more then I practice my craft, take work seriously, do my school work, etc. I am like Captain Ahab trying desperately to find and harpoon love and in turn love is like my Moby Dick; sometimes it lets me harpoon it and ride it and other times it eats me and swallows me whole. It is a maddening obsession of mine. I take love way to seriously and need to slow down with it, I know I do. But I feel like I am complete with it in my life and without it I feel pointless and slightly useless. Love has totally destroyed me on many occasions though. It is a nuke to the heart that takes months to recover from. I once loved someone so intensely that when this person left me and didnt want anything to do with me I felt as if someone had took the ability to be happy ever again out of my body. SOOO dramatic, I know, but its how it felt.

So why???? Why must we have love? Why is it so necessary? Why is love the point and purpose of our lives?

I think when I am in love with someone I give that person the innermost parts of myself that, when returned back to you, hurts and embarrasses and stabs and stains. Those innermost parts of me are fragile and can die of overexposure if it isnt put inside a place to keep warm... like a compatible heart. But it feels SO GOOD to have those moments of love that I give out those parts of myself like rapid fire. I believe in love so truly! But too deeply. I take it very seriously but leap at the opportunity of a trace of it which NEVER ends up good for me. So I've decided that instead of giving those precious parts of myself out like free samples at Harmons I'm waiting til someone decides to buy the whole product before I give up the goods. It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to hold back who I am when I'm with people but am no more going to give away the key to my soul (my secrets, my inspirations for my passions, the keys to my weaknesses) until I find a suitable door that leads to a room or a path that is right and not just good. AND I DESPERATELY WANT THIS! Gosh... to have love is my ultimate goal and I will not feel complete until I have it.

Which brings me to the point of Homosexuality. I'm sick of talking about it but its everywhere in my life right now. I don't know why but the discussion of it is swirling into everything. I have been told by those who love me, namely my parents, that it is not right for me to act on homosexual instincts and that I am to live a chaste life if I am not able to be with women. That is how I will get to God with my "disability" of having "homosexual tendencies". Now being with a woman is a whole separate conversation but the idea of being true to the gospel by never involving myself with a man makes sense to me in doctrinal terms. Yes I know. LDS doctrinal terms is something that I understand. However I dont know if I can live my entire life without giving myself to someone who I actually feel I can give myself to and have it returned. I dont feel like I will have truly lived until I find that love. I know that I am not the best me I can be without it... and to go through life not being the best me I can be would mean excepting a life unaccomplished and mediocre... and I dont feel like I can really truly live without love... and then what would the point of my life be if my goal of life isn't and cant be real... what would be the point of living... which brings me to those suicidal tendencies that linger and bubble deep down under the surface of my bones... which is a place Ill never go again... So am I sending myself to hell to find love? Can anyone really know? How Orpheus of me.

On Being My Own Boyfriend

I've been single for a month now. I broke up with my last relationship because I just didnt know who I was and had no more of myself to give to the relationship. Love was there, yes, but conditions were placed and needed to be met, like in most relationships. I was not ready or capable of going there. I'm still relatively broken... Regardless, being single is still hard. Its nice to have somebody. I'm glad I'm taking this time to really find and explore who I am and find that William in me... but... its difficult. So I texted my friend Tyler, the gayest, most energetic, ADHD, smart and atheist friend I have, about it and he handed me my ass back with a whole lot of truth.

Me:    Im already having a hard time being single...
         
Tyler: *sigh* ... I believe that you must first find yourself before you can find some else.  Date yourself for awhile. For gods sake sometimes we are so afraid of being alone...

Me:   Right... but how do I do that?

Tyler: Take it somewhat literal. Find a place of seclusion, your zen place or something. Go there often do something you normally do with others by yourself: dinner, movie, and/or coffee

Me:    Can I do that?? And then what??

Tyler: The first question should be "why do i feel like i cant do that?" But what would that do for me? you want to sit where you are uncomfortable and see why those things are uncomfortable to you sitting with things that are uncomfortable and just being with it is one of the best exercises in mindfulness For what purpose being aware of you and your surroundings i think will let you know where these impulses are coming from. you can begin to step back and asses if companionship right now is what you want or expect

Me:   Ok, ok, ok... that makes a lot of sense. I'll do it but I'm not excited about it

Tyler:  It really is hard to sit with oneself, but it has been hugely beneficial to me. Otherwise i would be running around way more than i already do and we all know that is quite a bit already.

Me:    I want to mean something to someone so badly (This is true. I don't know why this is. I want someone to want me but as soon as I feel expectations I dive away. At the moment giving myself to the expectations of someone love wise is so terrifying.)

Tyler:  Great now think about why that is that is. Something to meditate about

Me:     Hmm....
           
Tyler:  Why do you need to matter to someone else?

Me:      I donno honestly... I guess your right...

Tyler:  This is why I focus on philosophy. It fleshes out these concepts. I focus on existentialism and zen Buddhism. Humanism is my core belief though. For me my only drive is to mean something to humanity. I have yet to figure out why, but it is something I have always felt and known.

Me:   I feel the exact same but I need someone with me. I have always imagined someone to just be there

Tyler:  But it was not me and someone doing this work. It has always just been me. So I will think why that is for me and you do the same. We will compare notes later. I think it will be a beneficial exercise

Me:     Ok... I'll try it

Tyler:  As Yoda would say "try is to fail. Do is to succeed"

I've been trying this for a month now and it honestly is working, as much as my pride hates to admit it. I'm taking care of myself. I'm a really good boyfriend. I've been discovering all sorts of things that I like and that I dont like. I treat myself how I expect to be treated by someone I'd like to have a relationship with someday and its honestly freeing. This is a really valuable philosophy.

I am the one that needs to mean something to me first. How simple! I dont need to be validated by a persons physical or emotional affection to make me feel like a fully capable human being. Being wanted by another human is not a sign of personal success. It comes from within.

On How To Assess Your Self Worth, Ayn Rand Style

This will totally change how you see your friends. It did for me. I've been so obsessed with researching how people can identify and build up their own self image. Miss Rand nailed this one.

“Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a person's sexual choice is the result and sum of their fundamental convictions. Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life. Show me the person they sleep with and I will tell you their valuation of themselves. No matter what corruption they're taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which they cannot perform for any motive but their own enjoyment - just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity! - an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exultation, only on the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces them to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and accept their real ego as their standard of value. They will always be attracted to the person who reflects their deepest vision of themselves, the person whose surrender permits them to experience - or to fake - a sense of self-esteem .. Love is our response to our highest values - and can be nothing else.”
― Ayn Rand

Oh how true, how true Miss Rand

On Price'tagging Yourself

My beautiful friend MayKela Cox wrote something beautiful that's been truly inspiring me today. She wrote: 

 "If your not being treated with love and respect check your price tag! perhaps you have marked yourself down. It's you who tell people what your worth by what u accept. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep all the valuables. The bottom line is, other are never willing to do for you what your not willing to do for yourself!! #valueyourselfmorefirst"

What have I been pricing myself as? Somedays I give myself Desert Industries T-Shirt rates but praying that someone could turn me into a Nordstroms sweater. Well Dammit!!! I am SUCH as Nordstroms sweater and I dont need anybody to tell me convince me otherwise.

Gosh, I love this philosophy so much. What do you price yourself as? What are you worth? How do you value yourself?

On Simple Joys 9/23/2012

Its nice to remind myself sometimes of the small things that I'm surrounded by... I think its so easy to get caught up in the hugely grand script of life and not notice the simple grammar marks that make up our life.

#1 The Sky and the Fall Mountains
I regularly forget how beautiful the mountains are. It seems that Utah goes from Summer to Winter in 2 weeks and the 2 weeks of Autumn that we do get are amazing.

#2 The Window in my Shower

I could, and probably have, spent hours looking out at the world while being pelted by hot water. Nothing compares to the feeling of observing the world from a safe comfortable place and not being part of it for a moment.

#3 Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby"

Remember when music wasn't entirely made up of "Lets F*** in a club" dance beats and "I got my cash money, get me some hunnys" lyrics? Remember when songs actually meant something, were tremendously catchy, and filled with impressive vocals. This popped up on my Pandora and I had a 90s'gasm.

On My Interviewed about Mormon Homosexuality

http://farbetweenmovie.com/about/

Interview part 1

Interview part 2

The mission of the Far Between Project is... "To improve the conversation surrounding homosexuality and Mormonism. We hope to do so by providing first-person accounts of what it’s like to be homosexual and Mormon, tips and tools for how to sustain generative conversations within ourselves, with our loved ones, and in our communities, about how to navigate the tension brought on by the lived experiences of homosexuality and membership in the LDS Church. It is our hope that as we commit to holding space for people’s opinions, beliefs, and life experiences that may differ from our own and put empathy first, we will create safety and peace for all who choose to engage in these important conversations and, in turn, heal hearts, homes, and communities."

When I interviewed for them I had just barely decided I was coming out so Im a little rough and jilty. These two videos are essentially my coming out story in very shortened detail and my thoughts on how to figure out my new world.

This is one of the greatest opportunities that I've ever had. I'll thank Kendall Wilcox every day of my life for this opportunity.

If you EVER feel uncomfortable in your own skin, afraid of who you think you really are, think that God hates you, or fighting off the urges to kill yourself PLEASE contact me. I understand. I will empathize and sympathize and love you. I am always free to talk for something like that. Always.