On Being My Own Boyfriend

I've been single for a month now. I broke up with my last relationship because I just didnt know who I was and had no more of myself to give to the relationship. Love was there, yes, but conditions were placed and needed to be met, like in most relationships. I was not ready or capable of going there. I'm still relatively broken... Regardless, being single is still hard. Its nice to have somebody. I'm glad I'm taking this time to really find and explore who I am and find that William in me... but... its difficult. So I texted my friend Tyler, the gayest, most energetic, ADHD, smart and atheist friend I have, about it and he handed me my ass back with a whole lot of truth.

Me:    Im already having a hard time being single...
         
Tyler: *sigh* ... I believe that you must first find yourself before you can find some else.  Date yourself for awhile. For gods sake sometimes we are so afraid of being alone...

Me:   Right... but how do I do that?

Tyler: Take it somewhat literal. Find a place of seclusion, your zen place or something. Go there often do something you normally do with others by yourself: dinner, movie, and/or coffee

Me:    Can I do that?? And then what??

Tyler: The first question should be "why do i feel like i cant do that?" But what would that do for me? you want to sit where you are uncomfortable and see why those things are uncomfortable to you sitting with things that are uncomfortable and just being with it is one of the best exercises in mindfulness For what purpose being aware of you and your surroundings i think will let you know where these impulses are coming from. you can begin to step back and asses if companionship right now is what you want or expect

Me:   Ok, ok, ok... that makes a lot of sense. I'll do it but I'm not excited about it

Tyler:  It really is hard to sit with oneself, but it has been hugely beneficial to me. Otherwise i would be running around way more than i already do and we all know that is quite a bit already.

Me:    I want to mean something to someone so badly (This is true. I don't know why this is. I want someone to want me but as soon as I feel expectations I dive away. At the moment giving myself to the expectations of someone love wise is so terrifying.)

Tyler:  Great now think about why that is that is. Something to meditate about

Me:     Hmm....
           
Tyler:  Why do you need to matter to someone else?

Me:      I donno honestly... I guess your right...

Tyler:  This is why I focus on philosophy. It fleshes out these concepts. I focus on existentialism and zen Buddhism. Humanism is my core belief though. For me my only drive is to mean something to humanity. I have yet to figure out why, but it is something I have always felt and known.

Me:   I feel the exact same but I need someone with me. I have always imagined someone to just be there

Tyler:  But it was not me and someone doing this work. It has always just been me. So I will think why that is for me and you do the same. We will compare notes later. I think it will be a beneficial exercise

Me:     Ok... I'll try it

Tyler:  As Yoda would say "try is to fail. Do is to succeed"

I've been trying this for a month now and it honestly is working, as much as my pride hates to admit it. I'm taking care of myself. I'm a really good boyfriend. I've been discovering all sorts of things that I like and that I dont like. I treat myself how I expect to be treated by someone I'd like to have a relationship with someday and its honestly freeing. This is a really valuable philosophy.

I am the one that needs to mean something to me first. How simple! I dont need to be validated by a persons physical or emotional affection to make me feel like a fully capable human being. Being wanted by another human is not a sign of personal success. It comes from within.