On The One that Got Away with Your Heart and how to Redeem Yourself.

It seems to happen a lot but there always seems to be that one relationship that you cant ever shake. That one person that will sour your feel bads, scare your brain, and haunt the hallways of your hearts like a ghost. I get to see this person again soon. Not that I necessarily want to but I need to. I was supposed to see this person earlier this summer but it never happened. As I went through my journal I found what I read that day before this June.

JUNE 6th, 2012. A long hot day. A long nervous day. A long busy day full of occupation.
How funny... [] is coming back tomorrow...
How interesting...
You would choose tomorrow for your re-entrance...
Of course...
You always know when I need you to tempt me again
I will make a battle plan
So this time Im saying thank you
And give you a smile thats for keeps
This time Ill actually ask how you are
And giving you a ear that will listen
This time Ill ask about your schedule
And do my best not to be on the opposite end of the world
This time I'm going to hug you with my hands, heart, and mind
And then never do it again, this time only once...
You were poison until I decided that the taste was good
And now no more
Thank you for the calories you added to my soul
Im still running you off
I maybe always will
My only weakness and my only shame
It ends tomorrow when I will open her door and you are there
I will debut an Oscar worthy version of how I really feel
And that will have to be good enough for now
Cuz there is a part of me I can never give to you again
And that I never want to.

Here's another hysterical one I found about the same person

November 17th, 2012. Snowing. Everywhere. My feet are cold.
Walking to school feels like a trail of tears
Every step cold, every movement sad sadness
I walk by the tree where you told me loved me 
Every. Damn. Day.
The place of my greatest joy
Now an emblem of my greatest sorrow
I wish that I can turn it into paper
And write a different story on its roots
Then the world would see a different me today
One where the smile on my face isnt held up by strings
or where my steps were sprints into a rays of joys
Just to be myself and live my fate
Which now is the last place Id ever want to be
Me...

Here's every person that hurts us that makes us feel like we arent worth them. Here to every failed romance with every broken person. Here's to every Adele'ish pop song that makes us feel better!

Interesting how as I look back my feelings were so intense and now they really arent... they are much smoother and I feel indifferent now. Love floats on after your heart sinks. What I had to learn is that healing takes TIME. It also takes effort into loving yourself and becoming ok with what happened in your life. I have learned that I dont need anyone to make me happy. I dont NEED anybody. I believe that we are supposed to find companionship but that if we dont have it at the moment are lives arent over. I want people and life is better with them but never again will I feel inferior or stupid because I dont have someone in my life, especially this person in particular. Raise your glass to Independence and strength of character!

A PART OF ME, Katy Perry remix by RAC (they're the best)

On What Is Love? (Baby dont hurt me...)

Funny how my last post was about the perks of being single. And now something completely different.

Seriously though... what is this thing that we call love?

It is the most absurdly obsessed over thing in our universe. It has this invisible, gravitational force that pulls it all into it. It doesn't help that our culture is obsessed with the idea of Love so that from a very early age we are thrown into its orbit. But we cant blame our culture and media for our worlds fascination with love. Our fascination with love just exists. In all its good and bad forms it exists and begs us to pay attention to it. Wars are won and lost over love, people are murdered for love, life-death-and the total meaning of life is determined by each of us by whether or not we achieve the level of love we feel like we deserve... How exhausting! If Love was a person I'd shake it by the shoulders and ask it to explain itself, but instead its unasked for needy little embryo of a holy entity that's big enough to fill the entire galaxy with endorphin popping ecstasy and small enough to be embedded in our chests by our hearts. I feel that we as society have come to adhere to the "ideas" of love so greatly that we have become idol worshipers, determined to bend over and bow to the suggestions of compatible human companionship rather then treating love like a deity that bestows its gifts where it may when its time. Which is right though? Creating love or receiving love? And when I say love I mean it in the romantic, two person, spend my life together type of love.

Not to be confused with the "love" typically found in the homosexual community. *eye roll* ugh... kill me now... A sea of broken souls who ride the waves of sex until they crash onto the beaches of emptiness and loneliness. Out of my boredom I downloaded the "Grindr" app and the adventures in "F*** me or die" land that I've had on there are among the saddest interactions with the most desperate people I have ever met. Its as if a penis will save them like a boey as they drown in an ocean of repression. My hell... what did that ever solve? But more on that later...

Me and Love have a wonderful/tumultuous relationship and... I think I might be addicted to it. I search for love more then I practice my craft, take work seriously, do my school work, etc. I am like Captain Ahab trying desperately to find and harpoon love and in turn love is like my Moby Dick; sometimes it lets me harpoon it and ride it and other times it eats me and swallows me whole. It is a maddening obsession of mine. I take love way to seriously and need to slow down with it, I know I do. But I feel like I am complete with it in my life and without it I feel pointless and slightly useless. Love has totally destroyed me on many occasions though. It is a nuke to the heart that takes months to recover from. I once loved someone so intensely that when this person left me and didnt want anything to do with me I felt as if someone had took the ability to be happy ever again out of my body. SOOO dramatic, I know, but its how it felt.

So why???? Why must we have love? Why is it so necessary? Why is love the point and purpose of our lives?

I think when I am in love with someone I give that person the innermost parts of myself that, when returned back to you, hurts and embarrasses and stabs and stains. Those innermost parts of me are fragile and can die of overexposure if it isnt put inside a place to keep warm... like a compatible heart. But it feels SO GOOD to have those moments of love that I give out those parts of myself like rapid fire. I believe in love so truly! But too deeply. I take it very seriously but leap at the opportunity of a trace of it which NEVER ends up good for me. So I've decided that instead of giving those precious parts of myself out like free samples at Harmons I'm waiting til someone decides to buy the whole product before I give up the goods. It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to hold back who I am when I'm with people but am no more going to give away the key to my soul (my secrets, my inspirations for my passions, the keys to my weaknesses) until I find a suitable door that leads to a room or a path that is right and not just good. AND I DESPERATELY WANT THIS! Gosh... to have love is my ultimate goal and I will not feel complete until I have it.

Which brings me to the point of Homosexuality. I'm sick of talking about it but its everywhere in my life right now. I don't know why but the discussion of it is swirling into everything. I have been told by those who love me, namely my parents, that it is not right for me to act on homosexual instincts and that I am to live a chaste life if I am not able to be with women. That is how I will get to God with my "disability" of having "homosexual tendencies". Now being with a woman is a whole separate conversation but the idea of being true to the gospel by never involving myself with a man makes sense to me in doctrinal terms. Yes I know. LDS doctrinal terms is something that I understand. However I dont know if I can live my entire life without giving myself to someone who I actually feel I can give myself to and have it returned. I dont feel like I will have truly lived until I find that love. I know that I am not the best me I can be without it... and to go through life not being the best me I can be would mean excepting a life unaccomplished and mediocre... and I dont feel like I can really truly live without love... and then what would the point of my life be if my goal of life isn't and cant be real... what would be the point of living... which brings me to those suicidal tendencies that linger and bubble deep down under the surface of my bones... which is a place Ill never go again... So am I sending myself to hell to find love? Can anyone really know? How Orpheus of me.