Monday, September 24, 2012

I've been single for a month now. I broke up with my last relationship because I just didnt know who I was and had no more of myself to give to the relationship. Love was there, yes, but conditions were placed and needed to be met, like in most relationships. I was not ready or capable of going there. I'm still relatively broken... Regardless, being single is still hard. Its nice to have somebody. I'm glad I'm taking this time to really find and explore who I am and find that William in me... but... its difficult. So I texted my friend Tyler, the gayest, most energetic, ADHD, smart and atheist friend I have, about it and he handed me my ass back with a whole lot of truth.

Me:    Im already having a hard time being single...
         
Tyler: *sigh* ... I believe that you must first find yourself before you can find some else.  Date yourself for awhile. For gods sake sometimes we are so afraid of being alone...

Me:   Right... but how do I do that?

Tyler: Take it somewhat literal. Find a place of seclusion, your zen place or something. Go there often do something you normally do with others by yourself: dinner, movie, and/or coffee

Me:    Can I do that?? And then what??

Tyler: The first question should be "why do i feel like i cant do that?" But what would that do for me? you want to sit where you are uncomfortable and see why those things are uncomfortable to you sitting with things that are uncomfortable and just being with it is one of the best exercises in mindfulness For what purpose being aware of you and your surroundings i think will let you know where these impulses are coming from. you can begin to step back and asses if companionship right now is what you want or expect

Me:   Ok, ok, ok... that makes a lot of sense. I'll do it but I'm not excited about it

Tyler:  It really is hard to sit with oneself, but it has been hugely beneficial to me. Otherwise i would be running around way more than i already do and we all know that is quite a bit already.

Me:    I want to mean something to someone so badly (This is true. I don't know why this is. I want someone to want me but as soon as I feel expectations I dive away. At the moment giving myself to the expectations of someone love wise is so terrifying.)

Tyler:  Great now think about why that is that is. Something to meditate about

Me:     Hmm....
           
Tyler:  Why do you need to matter to someone else?

Me:      I donno honestly... I guess your right...

Tyler:  This is why I focus on philosophy. It fleshes out these concepts. I focus on existentialism and zen Buddhism. Humanism is my core belief though. For me my only drive is to mean something to humanity. I have yet to figure out why, but it is something I have always felt and known.

Me:   I feel the exact same but I need someone with me. I have always imagined someone to just be there

Tyler:  But it was not me and someone doing this work. It has always just been me. So I will think why that is for me and you do the same. We will compare notes later. I think it will be a beneficial exercise

Me:     Ok... I'll try it

Tyler:  As Yoda would say "try is to fail. Do is to succeed"

I've been trying this for a month now and it honestly is working, as much as my pride hates to admit it. I'm taking care of myself. I'm a really good boyfriend. I've been discovering all sorts of things that I like and that I dont like. I treat myself how I expect to be treated by someone I'd like to have a relationship with someday and its honestly freeing. This is a really valuable philosophy.

I am the one that needs to mean something to me first. How simple! I dont need to be validated by a persons physical or emotional affection to make me feel like a fully capable human being. Being wanted by another human is not a sign of personal success. It comes from within.



This will totally change how you see your friends. It did for me. I've been so obsessed with researching how people can identify and build up their own self image. Miss Rand nailed this one.

“Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a person's sexual choice is the result and sum of their fundamental convictions. Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life. Show me the person they sleep with and I will tell you their valuation of themselves. No matter what corruption they're taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which they cannot perform for any motive but their own enjoyment - just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity! - an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exultation, only on the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces them to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and accept their real ego as their standard of value. They will always be attracted to the person who reflects their deepest vision of themselves, the person whose surrender permits them to experience - or to fake - a sense of self-esteem .. Love is our response to our highest values - and can be nothing else.”
Ayn Rand

Oh how true, how true Miss Rand
My beautiful friend MayKela Cox wrote something beautiful that's been truly inspiring me today. She wrote: 
 "If your not being treated with love and respect check your price tag! perhaps you have marked yourself down. It's you who tell people what your worth by what u accept. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep all the valuables. The bottom line is, other are never willing to do for you what your not willing to do for yourself!! #valueyourselfmorefirst"
What have I been pricing myself as? Somedays I give myself Desert Industries T-Shirt rates but praying that someone could turn me into a Nordstroms sweater. Well Dammit!!! I am SUCH as Nordstroms sweater and I dont need anybody to tell me convince me otherwise.
Gosh, I love this philosophy so much. What do you price yourself as? What are you worth? How do you value yourself?

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Its nice to remind myself sometimes of the small things that I'm surrounded by... I think its so easy to get caught up in the hugely grand script of life and not notice the simple grammar marks that make up our life.

#1 The Sky and the Fall Mountains
I regularly forget how beautiful the mountains are. It seems that Utah goes from Summer to Winter in 2 weeks and the 2 weeks of Autumn that we do get are amazing.


#2 The Window in my Shower
I could, and probably have, spent hours looking out at the world while being pelted by hot water. Nothing compares to the feeling of observing the world from a safe comfortable place and not being part of it for a moment.


#3 Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby"
Remember when music wasn't entirely made up of "Lets F*** in a club" dance beats and "I got my cash money, get me some hunnys" lyrics? Remember when songs actually meant something, were tremendously catchy, and filled with impressive vocals. This popped up on my Pandora and I had a 90s'gasm.


Thursday, September 20, 2012


http://farbetweenmovie.com/about/
Interview part 1

Interview part 2



The mission of the Far Between Project is... "To improve the conversation surrounding homosexuality and Mormonism. We hope to do so by providing first-person accounts of what it’s like to be homosexual and Mormon, tips and tools for how to sustain generative conversations within ourselves, with our loved ones, and in our communities, about how to navigate the tension brought on by the lived experiences of homosexuality and membership in the LDS Church. It is our hope that as we commit to holding space for people’s opinions, beliefs, and life experiences that may differ from our own and put empathy first, we will create safety and peace for all who choose to engage in these important conversations and, in turn, heal hearts, homes, and communities."

When I interviewed for them I had just barely decided I was coming out so Im a little rough and jilty. These two videos are essentially my coming out story in very shortened detail and my thoughts on how to figure out my new world.

This is one of the greatest opportunities that I've ever had. I'll thank Kendall Wilcox every day of my life for this opportunity.

If you EVER feel uncomfortable in your own skin, afraid of who you think you really are, think that God hates you, or fighting off the urges to kill yourself PLEASE contact me. I understand. I will empathize and sympathize and love you. I am always free to talk for something like that. Always.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Goodbye...

UVU. I loved this school. It was the best 13th grade I ever went to. But that was the problem. It didn't feel like real college. It was very easy. It was very simple. I suppose that's a good thing in some regards but not for me. I want to be challenged and pushed. The Theater program was really nice with some awesome teachers... but I never really found my place there and I felt like they didn't know what to do with me. I was always fighting for some unseen ideal they were going for with me and nothing seemed to work. I was there for 3 years. Long years. Good years. Years full of hard work and passion. I feel no attachment to the place anymore. It felt more like a monetary then a school to me.


Also Utah Valley,
Its a gorgeous place... that they call the bubble. No real culture or sense of depth and incredibly judgmental. What a comfortable place to be though. I loved growing up here. I went to Junior High and High school here. Its time to move on. Its important for people to spread their wings and fly. Katie, my best friend, has been trying to convince me to do this for around a year now and I finally did it... I transfered to the U.

The U is a marvelous place. Large doesn't begin to describe the campus. It is full of opportunities. It is a land of open ideas. Here everyone is totally different and its absolutely OK to be who you are... and part of my journey right now is to become OK with who I am... and I didnt feel like that was possible down in Utah Valley. I kindof feel like I escaped Utah Valley and not just moved away.

The school also has a BFA program. Its very competitive and challenging every day. I love that. Its hard to leave my friend base behind 30-45 away but that can be an adventure all in itself. I love those friends and will always keep them. I love my memories of here and will always keep them. Sorry Utah Valley... our time is done. I cant really find myself surrounded by everything that makes me so comfortable... and yet so wildly uncomfortable at the same time.

Monday, September 17, 2012

 



Ever since I had to honestly admit to myself that I have "Homosexual Tendancies" I've been some degree of suicidal. I only talk about this because this is my honest place and today I really struggled.

I was told 3 different times by 3 different people that I was being difficult in some degree or another. Now this happens to everyone everyday. But with me, i have days where I dip so low that I become almost unrecognizable socially and back off to the corner of the rooms. Its how I cope. Aloneness.

Oh, please dont freak out. I'm super blase about it. I have come a very long way since last October. It started when I had two breakups in the same week. One with the girl I felt like I should marry (who I still think is perfect) and the other with the guy I cheated on her with (because I was a good Mormon boy and good Mormon boys don't a) cheat and b) with boys!) I felt so trapped in my body. I felt so guilty and foolish. I couldn't believe that my life was turning into what it was. I envisioned nothing but Temples and Sacraments for the rest of my life. I was the President of the Institute Program. I was a full time home teacher! I served a marvelous mission for the church. And then I went and blew it up to smithereens.... I felt like I had let down the entire world. I asked my bishop for help and he just told me to "Pray it out". To use Faith and all the hurt and pain will go away... but it only got worse. I did every Mormon thing I knew how to do and yet by December I was so depressed I didnt even know who I was anymore. I would go through my entire day and put on the best acting performance of my life to my friends and family. 

One day I got really tired of living. I woke up that morning and felt totally drained. Not because I had done anything exauhsting but my mere existence took all the energy out of me. The only time I got any sort of relief was when I was asleep... so the idea of sleeping forever seemed more restful then my daily confrontation with my horrific and down sliding life. No amount of prayer seemed to change that either. Was my faith to weak? Was my tolerance for the Atonement of Christ to small? Was I being foolish and overdramatic? My roommate at the time was going through a Police Academy course. That night he his gun and left it out on the ottoman carelessly. I thought "How perfect, an answer to my prayers". Naturally I took whatever bullets were there, climbed into my car, and drove up to Draper mountain (the view is incredible) to say my final dramatic goodbyes to the world and kill myself. I have no idea if I put the bullets in right... I had no idea how to really use the gun... and when I put it in my mouth it was so disgusting and dirty (I thought he had cleaned it! I guess just the inside). I didnt know what to do... I sat there for 5 hours trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. The world didnt need one more Homosexual Mormon Theater Major in Utah Valley who mopes around and has relationships with boys behind the church's back... especially one with a calling such as mine.
And then a cop pulled up and you have never seen anyone hide a gun faster then me... He was just wondering what I was doing up there at the parking spot so late.

On the way home I laughed and laughed. I deserved better then the fate I was assigning myself to all because I like something that everyone around me was telling me not to... in this case boys. 

Things got really bad for a while and I actually tried it again when that same boy came in and then went out of my life in much the same way as before. He told me when he left me part 2 "You'll never be a Mormon and a Gay at the same time. People die trying to figure that out and they always lose." That hurt a lot... and for a while I thought it was true. I dont know if I feel that way now...

But its been a year... Its almost October of 2012 and I have gone through a huge transformation. Sometime in March I decided that I was not going to life in the shadows of my heart anymore. I am literally taking everything in my life out, examining it, and making decisions about them before I let them in. I DONT WANNA DIE :) I am better then that. I have been given a life and I am going to figure out what to do with it and no one, not even my parents and leaders, can tell me what I need to do. I only say that because before I took everyone else's advice and it led me down a path of such deep depression that I tried to end my life. That doesnt sound like truth or personal honesty to me.

To this day there are still moments that I feel this need to end things. I think "Oh gosh, I cant do this or that... I just need to dissapear" but I never do. Its just lingering side effects of from the disease of my soul that I started last year. Suicide is like dark purple sea and I'm trapped on its cold beach. I somehow landed there last year. The waves of my life grew so big that the waves was all I could see and feel. They were tidal waves that would hit me again and again and they got so high that they would drown me. But now I am swimming through them and I am starting to see whats across the bay and around the beach instead of being stuck in the sand and drowning in the tide. I will never try to kill myself now. I have bad days, like today, where I dip really low. The difference is I have uncovered courage that I didn't know existed to

Life is worth living and exploring I believe. I love to learn from my mistakes and from my experiences. I have no regrets. I am not a quitter, in life or otherwise now. I am beginning to love William Cooper Howell, even though I am still in search of him and largely dont know who he is yet. The sea of my soul is calm, drinkable, and smooth, ready for sailing in whatever direction I'm going to go.




What is the purpose of going after your dreams?

... and is it possible for dreams to change overtime? Is it possible for a person to be OK with those dreams changing? Will one regret having a dream change when they look back on their life? Do dreams always have a cost?

My dream for almost my entire life was to be a successful entertainer. On stage, on film, on the radio, on the television, I dreamed and still do dream of doing everything and being exceptionally good at it and well known.

As I get older though I'm starting to look at my dreams and wonder what they are all about. "What is the purpose of a dream?" I'm starting to ask... and the mere fact that I'm asking that frightens me.

I am in a production of "In the Heights" at the Pioneer Theater in Salt Lake City. I play a young, horny, BMX biker in the ensemble. This theater is nationally renowned and highly recognized for its quality and professionalism. Most of the principle characters in this production are paid professionals apart of a national union of actors (AEA) and their lives are centered around performing and around traveling. They are to be my peers and compatriots in the performing arts world. They are very talented... but I wonder to myself as I watch them if they are happy? I wonder what they feel their lives are about? Most of them dont have families because they dont have time. A lot of them are single. Does traveling America and performing for strangers fulfill ones life?

The other day I went on a date with this really amazing guy. He was perfect, in almost everyway, for me and where I'm at on my journey. I thought to myself, "Ok. This is it. Here we go." I get a call from him during intermission of my show and he tells me that he isnt able to continue a relationship with me because he wants someone with a 9 to 5 job. He said he couldnt handle me being away all the time, especially nights, that he is a "Quality Time" love language sort of person and that he wants me to have my dreams and not have him hold me back. Well thats all good and great but that makes me feel real insecure about having a relationship and being in my career path.

In the musical "A Chorus Line", a musical about 21 auditioners begging a casting director to hire them by sharing their life stories, a song nearly closes the end of the musical called "What I did for Love" where the auditioners sing about the sacrifices they've made for their "love" of performance art.

They sing...
"Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.  
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love"

... so that's all good and well but there is nothing like REAL love. And that is as much a dream of mine to have as Broadway ever is, was, or will be. I will make sacrifices to be a Father and a Husband... but I also really want my artistic dreams too... how does one balance this out?

Essentially I've realized that I dont want to be a traveling actor, wandering from job to job and wishing that I had money and had a family but have the "LOVE" of theater be so great that I cant achieve those things. That doesnt seem like reality to me. That just seems insignificant.

So New York, if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere, its up to you. But I will not stop my life or my love life for you. I pray I will find a person who will be completely understanding and open to my profession, even love and admire it, and is strong enough to help me through it. Thats what I realize.

 *breath* So I'm Gay and I'm a Mormon... There you go. Or at least I think.

I want this to go over well. I think the natural tendancy for my Mormon friends and family will be "Oh no!!! We need to save him!" and for the otherside to say "Why doesnt he just let go!? Just be yourself!" Its so much more complicated then that.

This topic is so important but its exhausting. I've written and rewritten this blog post about 90 times now and I cant find the right way to write this. So I'll just spell it out. I feel like I have to. So much of my life right now is figuring out this problem... and if it is a problem.

My entire life I have fallen in love with everyone. Guys and Girls. I've never been able to separate the gender line feelings for either side. I've always had more of an emotional attachment towards men though. Always.

I've also been Mormon (LDS) my entire life. I love the church. There are truths in that church that have been witnessed to me time and time again as truth. I love how it makes me feel (mostly) when I attend. I served a two year mission for the church in San Antonio and Austin, Texas. By the end of those two years I could almost smell God. He was a constant presence, almost physically even, and I felt like I knew him so well. I represented the Mormons on UVU campus for an entire year. I love the scriptures, I love prayer, I love the promised blessings of the commandments like Tithing and the Word of Wisdom (no alcohol/drugs etc) but where it gets very complicated is Homosexuality.

When I was young and learned that homosexuality was wrong I shoved it to the side of my heart and didn't open or touch it for years. The last thing I wanted to do (and still is) is make the God that I believe exists upset with me or be unhappy with who I was. Therefore I altered the shape and power of my heart for so so long. Then, at 23, right when I was about to take the plunge with a girl forever and ever I was given an altercation and a challenge to my plans in the shape of a man that awakened that part of my heart forever. Now I struggle to close it. I struggle to want to close it. I cant put that part of me back. Its like that moment in the book "The Giver" when the little boy, who lives in a black and white world, throws an apple in the air and sees it turn red. After seeing that red apple he realizes how black and white everything always was but he can never forget that red. Without giving a ton away about what happened to me (with respects with both parties) I found some red in my life and I can never un-color it again. I can choose not to act on that red but I have to acknowledge that its there. I think its super important to accept what the colors of your life are and not try to hide them.

Do you know what its like to have a part of yourself be considered "evil" or "sinful" or "disgusting" from the upbringing you're used to? Aand have there be a commandment from God tell you that that isn't right? Last year I was so depressed that I wanted to die. I wanted to cut off this part of me forever. I didn't like who I was and I put so much effort into changing myself that I lost myself completely. It led me to want to end myself. And thats why I was encouraged to write this blog. Was to put my truths out there and figure out how to sort them. I really actually don't want to be gay. I think its super complicated. Men are real aggressive and stupid sometimes. Trying to navigate myself through that world when I myself am a man is complex. I've ended relationship with men because I didn't understand how to be with them. Am I the man or the woman in this relationship? What parts do I play? What are my expectations as a partner? These simple questions are answered easily in a straight relationship. Not so much in a gay relationship.

However when I kiss a man I feel beauty and ease. I feel a truth so strong and, although totally different, is like reading the scriptures. This is a truth for me. The first time I kissed a man I prayed and asked God to make me feel guilt and shame about it... it didn't come. Thats when I started thinking and asking myself questions as to how I feel about this whole thing.

I love the Latter Day Saint church. I really do. I legitimately think that their doctrines are true and I believe that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet. I believe Joseph Smith actually did what he said he did. I believe the Book of Mormon is another cannon of scripture. I also believe that I fall in love with men. I feel good when I do. I feel no evil and no sin when I kiss or touch or hold a man. I feel it as truth in my body.

This will be a journey of epic proportions to try and balance these two worlds because Im not willing to let either of them go. But I feel a sense of duty to be completely honest with myself.

So there you go. *sigh of relief*







 

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