It seems to happen a lot but there always seems to be that one relationship that you cant ever shake. That one person that will sour your feel bads, scare your brain, and haunt the hallways of your hearts like a ghost. I get to see this person again soon. Not that I necessarily want to but I need to. I was supposed to see this person earlier this summer but it never happened. As I went through my journal I found what I read that day before this June.
JUNE 6th, 2012. A long hot day. A long nervous day. A long busy day full of occupation.
How funny... [] is coming back tomorrow...
How interesting...
You would choose tomorrow for your re-entrance...
Of course...
You always know when I need you to tempt me again
I will make a battle plan
So this time Im saying thank you
And give you a smile thats for keeps
This time Ill actually ask how you are
And giving you a ear that will listen
This time Ill ask about your schedule
And do my best not to be on the opposite end of the world
This time I'm going to hug you with my hands, heart, and mind
And then never do it again, this time only once...
You were poison until I decided that the taste was good
And now no more
Thank you for the calories you added to my soul
Im still running you off
I maybe always will
My only weakness and my only shame
It ends tomorrow when I will open her door and you are there
I will debut an Oscar worthy version of how I really feel
And that will have to be good enough for now
Cuz there is a part of me I can never give to you again
And that I never want to.
Here's another hysterical one I found about the same person
November 17th, 2012. Snowing. Everywhere. My feet are cold.
Walking to school feels like a trail of tears
Every step cold, every movement sad sadness
I walk by the tree where you told me loved me
Every. Damn. Day.
The place of my greatest joy
Now an emblem of my greatest sorrow
I wish that I can turn it into paper
And write a different story on its roots
Then the world would see a different me today
One where the smile on my face isnt held up by strings
or where my steps were sprints into a rays of joys
Just to be myself and live my fate
Which now is the last place Id ever want to be
Me...
Here's every person that hurts us that makes us feel like we arent worth them. Here to every failed romance with every broken person. Here's to every Adele'ish pop song that makes us feel better!
Interesting how as I look back my feelings were so intense and now they really arent... they are much smoother and I feel indifferent now. Love floats on after your heart sinks. What I had to learn is that healing takes TIME. It also takes effort into loving yourself and becoming ok with what happened in your life. I have learned that I dont need anyone to make me happy. I dont NEED anybody. I believe that we are supposed to find companionship but that if we dont have it at the moment are lives arent over. I want people and life is better with them but never again will I feel inferior or stupid because I dont have someone in my life, especially this person in particular. Raise your glass to Independence and strength of character!
A PART OF ME, Katy Perry remix by RAC (they're the best)
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