On The One that Got Away with Your Heart and how to Redeem Yourself.

It seems to happen a lot but there always seems to be that one relationship that you cant ever shake. That one person that will sour your feel bads, scare your brain, and haunt the hallways of your hearts like a ghost. I get to see this person again soon. Not that I necessarily want to but I need to. I was supposed to see this person earlier this summer but it never happened. As I went through my journal I found what I read that day before this June.

JUNE 6th, 2012. A long hot day. A long nervous day. A long busy day full of occupation.
How funny... [] is coming back tomorrow...
How interesting...
You would choose tomorrow for your re-entrance...
Of course...
You always know when I need you to tempt me again
I will make a battle plan
So this time Im saying thank you
And give you a smile thats for keeps
This time Ill actually ask how you are
And giving you a ear that will listen
This time Ill ask about your schedule
And do my best not to be on the opposite end of the world
This time I'm going to hug you with my hands, heart, and mind
And then never do it again, this time only once...
You were poison until I decided that the taste was good
And now no more
Thank you for the calories you added to my soul
Im still running you off
I maybe always will
My only weakness and my only shame
It ends tomorrow when I will open her door and you are there
I will debut an Oscar worthy version of how I really feel
And that will have to be good enough for now
Cuz there is a part of me I can never give to you again
And that I never want to.

Here's another hysterical one I found about the same person

November 17th, 2012. Snowing. Everywhere. My feet are cold.
Walking to school feels like a trail of tears
Every step cold, every movement sad sadness
I walk by the tree where you told me loved me 
Every. Damn. Day.
The place of my greatest joy
Now an emblem of my greatest sorrow
I wish that I can turn it into paper
And write a different story on its roots
Then the world would see a different me today
One where the smile on my face isnt held up by strings
or where my steps were sprints into a rays of joys
Just to be myself and live my fate
Which now is the last place Id ever want to be
Me...

Here's every person that hurts us that makes us feel like we arent worth them. Here to every failed romance with every broken person. Here's to every Adele'ish pop song that makes us feel better!

Interesting how as I look back my feelings were so intense and now they really arent... they are much smoother and I feel indifferent now. Love floats on after your heart sinks. What I had to learn is that healing takes TIME. It also takes effort into loving yourself and becoming ok with what happened in your life. I have learned that I dont need anyone to make me happy. I dont NEED anybody. I believe that we are supposed to find companionship but that if we dont have it at the moment are lives arent over. I want people and life is better with them but never again will I feel inferior or stupid because I dont have someone in my life, especially this person in particular. Raise your glass to Independence and strength of character!

A PART OF ME, Katy Perry remix by RAC (they're the best)

On What Is Love? (Baby dont hurt me...)

Funny how my last post was about the perks of being single. And now something completely different.

Seriously though... what is this thing that we call love?

It is the most absurdly obsessed over thing in our universe. It has this invisible, gravitational force that pulls it all into it. It doesn't help that our culture is obsessed with the idea of Love so that from a very early age we are thrown into its orbit. But we cant blame our culture and media for our worlds fascination with love. Our fascination with love just exists. In all its good and bad forms it exists and begs us to pay attention to it. Wars are won and lost over love, people are murdered for love, life-death-and the total meaning of life is determined by each of us by whether or not we achieve the level of love we feel like we deserve... How exhausting! If Love was a person I'd shake it by the shoulders and ask it to explain itself, but instead its unasked for needy little embryo of a holy entity that's big enough to fill the entire galaxy with endorphin popping ecstasy and small enough to be embedded in our chests by our hearts. I feel that we as society have come to adhere to the "ideas" of love so greatly that we have become idol worshipers, determined to bend over and bow to the suggestions of compatible human companionship rather then treating love like a deity that bestows its gifts where it may when its time. Which is right though? Creating love or receiving love? And when I say love I mean it in the romantic, two person, spend my life together type of love.

Not to be confused with the "love" typically found in the homosexual community. *eye roll* ugh... kill me now... A sea of broken souls who ride the waves of sex until they crash onto the beaches of emptiness and loneliness. Out of my boredom I downloaded the "Grindr" app and the adventures in "F*** me or die" land that I've had on there are among the saddest interactions with the most desperate people I have ever met. Its as if a penis will save them like a boey as they drown in an ocean of repression. My hell... what did that ever solve? But more on that later...

Me and Love have a wonderful/tumultuous relationship and... I think I might be addicted to it. I search for love more then I practice my craft, take work seriously, do my school work, etc. I am like Captain Ahab trying desperately to find and harpoon love and in turn love is like my Moby Dick; sometimes it lets me harpoon it and ride it and other times it eats me and swallows me whole. It is a maddening obsession of mine. I take love way to seriously and need to slow down with it, I know I do. But I feel like I am complete with it in my life and without it I feel pointless and slightly useless. Love has totally destroyed me on many occasions though. It is a nuke to the heart that takes months to recover from. I once loved someone so intensely that when this person left me and didnt want anything to do with me I felt as if someone had took the ability to be happy ever again out of my body. SOOO dramatic, I know, but its how it felt.

So why???? Why must we have love? Why is it so necessary? Why is love the point and purpose of our lives?

I think when I am in love with someone I give that person the innermost parts of myself that, when returned back to you, hurts and embarrasses and stabs and stains. Those innermost parts of me are fragile and can die of overexposure if it isnt put inside a place to keep warm... like a compatible heart. But it feels SO GOOD to have those moments of love that I give out those parts of myself like rapid fire. I believe in love so truly! But too deeply. I take it very seriously but leap at the opportunity of a trace of it which NEVER ends up good for me. So I've decided that instead of giving those precious parts of myself out like free samples at Harmons I'm waiting til someone decides to buy the whole product before I give up the goods. It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to hold back who I am when I'm with people but am no more going to give away the key to my soul (my secrets, my inspirations for my passions, the keys to my weaknesses) until I find a suitable door that leads to a room or a path that is right and not just good. AND I DESPERATELY WANT THIS! Gosh... to have love is my ultimate goal and I will not feel complete until I have it.

Which brings me to the point of Homosexuality. I'm sick of talking about it but its everywhere in my life right now. I don't know why but the discussion of it is swirling into everything. I have been told by those who love me, namely my parents, that it is not right for me to act on homosexual instincts and that I am to live a chaste life if I am not able to be with women. That is how I will get to God with my "disability" of having "homosexual tendencies". Now being with a woman is a whole separate conversation but the idea of being true to the gospel by never involving myself with a man makes sense to me in doctrinal terms. Yes I know. LDS doctrinal terms is something that I understand. However I dont know if I can live my entire life without giving myself to someone who I actually feel I can give myself to and have it returned. I dont feel like I will have truly lived until I find that love. I know that I am not the best me I can be without it... and to go through life not being the best me I can be would mean excepting a life unaccomplished and mediocre... and I dont feel like I can really truly live without love... and then what would the point of my life be if my goal of life isn't and cant be real... what would be the point of living... which brings me to those suicidal tendencies that linger and bubble deep down under the surface of my bones... which is a place Ill never go again... So am I sending myself to hell to find love? Can anyone really know? How Orpheus of me.

On Being My Own Boyfriend

I've been single for a month now. I broke up with my last relationship because I just didnt know who I was and had no more of myself to give to the relationship. Love was there, yes, but conditions were placed and needed to be met, like in most relationships. I was not ready or capable of going there. I'm still relatively broken... Regardless, being single is still hard. Its nice to have somebody. I'm glad I'm taking this time to really find and explore who I am and find that William in me... but... its difficult. So I texted my friend Tyler, the gayest, most energetic, ADHD, smart and atheist friend I have, about it and he handed me my ass back with a whole lot of truth.

Me:    Im already having a hard time being single...
         
Tyler: *sigh* ... I believe that you must first find yourself before you can find some else.  Date yourself for awhile. For gods sake sometimes we are so afraid of being alone...

Me:   Right... but how do I do that?

Tyler: Take it somewhat literal. Find a place of seclusion, your zen place or something. Go there often do something you normally do with others by yourself: dinner, movie, and/or coffee

Me:    Can I do that?? And then what??

Tyler: The first question should be "why do i feel like i cant do that?" But what would that do for me? you want to sit where you are uncomfortable and see why those things are uncomfortable to you sitting with things that are uncomfortable and just being with it is one of the best exercises in mindfulness For what purpose being aware of you and your surroundings i think will let you know where these impulses are coming from. you can begin to step back and asses if companionship right now is what you want or expect

Me:   Ok, ok, ok... that makes a lot of sense. I'll do it but I'm not excited about it

Tyler:  It really is hard to sit with oneself, but it has been hugely beneficial to me. Otherwise i would be running around way more than i already do and we all know that is quite a bit already.

Me:    I want to mean something to someone so badly (This is true. I don't know why this is. I want someone to want me but as soon as I feel expectations I dive away. At the moment giving myself to the expectations of someone love wise is so terrifying.)

Tyler:  Great now think about why that is that is. Something to meditate about

Me:     Hmm....
           
Tyler:  Why do you need to matter to someone else?

Me:      I donno honestly... I guess your right...

Tyler:  This is why I focus on philosophy. It fleshes out these concepts. I focus on existentialism and zen Buddhism. Humanism is my core belief though. For me my only drive is to mean something to humanity. I have yet to figure out why, but it is something I have always felt and known.

Me:   I feel the exact same but I need someone with me. I have always imagined someone to just be there

Tyler:  But it was not me and someone doing this work. It has always just been me. So I will think why that is for me and you do the same. We will compare notes later. I think it will be a beneficial exercise

Me:     Ok... I'll try it

Tyler:  As Yoda would say "try is to fail. Do is to succeed"

I've been trying this for a month now and it honestly is working, as much as my pride hates to admit it. I'm taking care of myself. I'm a really good boyfriend. I've been discovering all sorts of things that I like and that I dont like. I treat myself how I expect to be treated by someone I'd like to have a relationship with someday and its honestly freeing. This is a really valuable philosophy.

I am the one that needs to mean something to me first. How simple! I dont need to be validated by a persons physical or emotional affection to make me feel like a fully capable human being. Being wanted by another human is not a sign of personal success. It comes from within.

On How To Assess Your Self Worth, Ayn Rand Style

This will totally change how you see your friends. It did for me. I've been so obsessed with researching how people can identify and build up their own self image. Miss Rand nailed this one.

“Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a person's sexual choice is the result and sum of their fundamental convictions. Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life. Show me the person they sleep with and I will tell you their valuation of themselves. No matter what corruption they're taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which they cannot perform for any motive but their own enjoyment - just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity! - an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exultation, only on the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces them to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and accept their real ego as their standard of value. They will always be attracted to the person who reflects their deepest vision of themselves, the person whose surrender permits them to experience - or to fake - a sense of self-esteem .. Love is our response to our highest values - and can be nothing else.”
― Ayn Rand

Oh how true, how true Miss Rand

On Price'tagging Yourself

My beautiful friend MayKela Cox wrote something beautiful that's been truly inspiring me today. She wrote: 

 "If your not being treated with love and respect check your price tag! perhaps you have marked yourself down. It's you who tell people what your worth by what u accept. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep all the valuables. The bottom line is, other are never willing to do for you what your not willing to do for yourself!! #valueyourselfmorefirst"

What have I been pricing myself as? Somedays I give myself Desert Industries T-Shirt rates but praying that someone could turn me into a Nordstroms sweater. Well Dammit!!! I am SUCH as Nordstroms sweater and I dont need anybody to tell me convince me otherwise.

Gosh, I love this philosophy so much. What do you price yourself as? What are you worth? How do you value yourself?

On Simple Joys 9/23/2012

Its nice to remind myself sometimes of the small things that I'm surrounded by... I think its so easy to get caught up in the hugely grand script of life and not notice the simple grammar marks that make up our life.

#1 The Sky and the Fall Mountains
I regularly forget how beautiful the mountains are. It seems that Utah goes from Summer to Winter in 2 weeks and the 2 weeks of Autumn that we do get are amazing.

#2 The Window in my Shower

I could, and probably have, spent hours looking out at the world while being pelted by hot water. Nothing compares to the feeling of observing the world from a safe comfortable place and not being part of it for a moment.

#3 Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby"

Remember when music wasn't entirely made up of "Lets F*** in a club" dance beats and "I got my cash money, get me some hunnys" lyrics? Remember when songs actually meant something, were tremendously catchy, and filled with impressive vocals. This popped up on my Pandora and I had a 90s'gasm.

On My Interviewed about Mormon Homosexuality

http://farbetweenmovie.com/about/

Interview part 1

Interview part 2

The mission of the Far Between Project is... "To improve the conversation surrounding homosexuality and Mormonism. We hope to do so by providing first-person accounts of what it’s like to be homosexual and Mormon, tips and tools for how to sustain generative conversations within ourselves, with our loved ones, and in our communities, about how to navigate the tension brought on by the lived experiences of homosexuality and membership in the LDS Church. It is our hope that as we commit to holding space for people’s opinions, beliefs, and life experiences that may differ from our own and put empathy first, we will create safety and peace for all who choose to engage in these important conversations and, in turn, heal hearts, homes, and communities."

When I interviewed for them I had just barely decided I was coming out so Im a little rough and jilty. These two videos are essentially my coming out story in very shortened detail and my thoughts on how to figure out my new world.

This is one of the greatest opportunities that I've ever had. I'll thank Kendall Wilcox every day of my life for this opportunity.

If you EVER feel uncomfortable in your own skin, afraid of who you think you really are, think that God hates you, or fighting off the urges to kill yourself PLEASE contact me. I understand. I will empathize and sympathize and love you. I am always free to talk for something like that. Always.

On A New Start Somewhere Else

Goodbye...

UVU. I loved this school. It was the best 13th grade I ever went to. But that was the problem. It didn't feel like real college. It was very easy. It was very simple. I suppose that's a good thing in some regards but not for me. I want to be challenged and pushed. The Theater program was really nice with some awesome teachers... but I never really found my place there and I felt like they didn't know what to do with me. I was always fighting for some unseen ideal they were going for with me and nothing seemed to work. I was there for 3 years. Long years. Good years. Years full of hard work and passion. I feel no attachment to the place anymore. It felt more like a monetary then a school to me.


Also Utah Valley,
Its a gorgeous place... that they call the bubble. No real culture or sense of depth and incredibly judgmental. What a comfortable place to be though. I loved growing up here. I went to Junior High and High school here. Its time to move on. Its important for people to spread their wings and fly. Katie, my best friend, has been trying to convince me to do this for around a year now and I finally did it... I transfered to the U.

The U is a marvelous place. Large doesn't begin to describe the campus. It is full of opportunities. It is a land of open ideas. Here everyone is totally different and its absolutely OK to be who you are... and part of my journey right now is to become OK with who I am... and I didnt feel like that was possible down in Utah Valley. I kindof feel like I escaped Utah Valley and not just moved away.

The school also has a BFA program. Its very competitive and challenging every day. I love that. Its hard to leave my friend base behind 30-45 away but that can be an adventure all in itself. I love those friends and will always keep them. I love my memories of here and will always keep them. Sorry Utah Valley... our time is done. I cant really find myself surrounded by everything that makes me so comfortable... and yet so wildly uncomfortable at the same time.

On Suicidal Tendancies

 

Ever since I had to honestly admit to myself that I have "Homosexual Tendancies" I've been some degree of suicidal. I only talk about this because this is my honest place and today I really struggled.

I was told 3 different times by 3 different people that I was being difficult in some degree or another. Now this happens to everyone everyday. But with me, i have days where I dip so low that I become almost unrecognizable socially and back off to the corner of the rooms. Its how I cope. Aloneness.

Oh, please dont freak out. I'm super blase about it. I have come a very long way since last October. It started when I had two breakups in the same week. One with the girl I felt like I should marry (who I still think is perfect) and the other with the guy I cheated on her with (because I was a good Mormon boy and good Mormon boys don't a) cheat and b) with boys!) I felt so trapped in my body. I felt so guilty and foolish. I couldn't believe that my life was turning into what it was. I envisioned nothing but Temples and Sacraments for the rest of my life. I was the President of the Institute Program. I was a full time home teacher! I served a marvelous mission for the church. And then I went and blew it up to smithereens.... I felt like I had let down the entire world. I asked my bishop for help and he just told me to "Pray it out". To use Faith and all the hurt and pain will go away... but it only got worse. I did every Mormon thing I knew how to do and yet by December I was so depressed I didnt even know who I was anymore. I would go through my entire day and put on the best acting performance of my life to my friends and family. 

One day I got really tired of living. I woke up that morning and felt totally drained. Not because I had done anything exauhsting but my mere existence took all the energy out of me. The only time I got any sort of relief was when I was asleep... so the idea of sleeping forever seemed more restful then my daily confrontation with my horrific and down sliding life. No amount of prayer seemed to change that either. Was my faith to weak? Was my tolerance for the Atonement of Christ to small? Was I being foolish and overdramatic? My roommate at the time was going through a Police Academy course. That night he his gun and left it out on the ottoman carelessly. I thought "How perfect, an answer to my prayers". Naturally I took whatever bullets were there, climbed into my car, and drove up to Draper mountain (the view is incredible) to say my final dramatic goodbyes to the world and kill myself. I have no idea if I put the bullets in right... I had no idea how to really use the gun... and when I put it in my mouth it was so disgusting and dirty (I thought he had cleaned it! I guess just the inside). I didnt know what to do... I sat there for 5 hours trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. The world didnt need one more Homosexual Mormon Theater Major in Utah Valley who mopes around and has relationships with boys behind the church's back... especially one with a calling such as mine.

And then a cop pulled up and you have never seen anyone hide a gun faster then me... He was just wondering what I was doing up there at the parking spot so late.

On the way home I laughed and laughed. I deserved better then the fate I was assigning myself to all because I like something that everyone around me was telling me not to... in this case boys. 

Things got really bad for a while and I actually tried it again when that same boy came in and then went out of my life in much the same way as before. He told me when he left me part 2 "You'll never be a Mormon and a Gay at the same time. People die trying to figure that out and they always lose." That hurt a lot... and for a while I thought it was true. I dont know if I feel that way now...

But its been a year... Its almost October of 2012 and I have gone through a huge transformation. Sometime in March I decided that I was not going to life in the shadows of my heart anymore. I am literally taking everything in my life out, examining it, and making decisions about them before I let them in. I DONT WANNA DIE :) I am better then that. I have been given a life and I am going to figure out what to do with it and no one, not even my parents and leaders, can tell me what I need to do. I only say that because before I took everyone else's advice and it led me down a path of such deep depression that I tried to end my life. That doesnt sound like truth or personal honesty to me.

To this day there are still moments that I feel this need to end things. I think "Oh gosh, I cant do this or that... I just need to dissapear" but I never do. Its just lingering side effects of from the disease of my soul that I started last year. Suicide is like dark purple sea and I'm trapped on its cold beach. I somehow landed there last year. The waves of my life grew so big that the waves was all I could see and feel. They were tidal waves that would hit me again and again and they got so high that they would drown me. But now I am swimming through them and I am starting to see whats across the bay and around the beach instead of being stuck in the sand and drowning in the tide. I will never try to kill myself now. I have bad days, like today, where I dip really low. The difference is I have uncovered courage that I didn't know existed to

Life is worth living and exploring I believe. I love to learn from my mistakes and from my experiences. I have no regrets. I am not a quitter, in life or otherwise now. I am beginning to love William Cooper Howell, even though I am still in search of him and largely dont know who he is yet. The sea of my soul is calm, drinkable, and smooth, ready for sailing in whatever direction I'm going to go.

On Having a Empire State of Mind

What is the purpose of going after your dreams?

... and is it possible for dreams to change overtime? Is it possible for a person to be OK with those dreams changing? Will one regret having a dream change when they look back on their life? Do dreams always have a cost?

My dream for almost my entire life was to be a successful entertainer. On stage, on film, on the radio, on the television, I dreamed and still do dream of doing everything and being exceptionally good at it and well known.

As I get older though I'm starting to look at my dreams and wonder what they are all about. "What is the purpose of a dream?" I'm starting to ask... and the mere fact that I'm asking that frightens me.

I am in a production of "In the Heights" at the Pioneer Theater in Salt Lake City. I play a young, horny, BMX biker in the ensemble. This theater is nationally renowned and highly recognized for its quality and professionalism. Most of the principle characters in this production are paid professionals apart of a national union of actors (AEA) and their lives are centered around performing and around traveling. They are to be my peers and compatriots in the performing arts world. They are very talented... but I wonder to myself as I watch them if they are happy? I wonder what they feel their lives are about? Most of them dont have families because they dont have time. A lot of them are single. Does traveling America and performing for strangers fulfill ones life?

The other day I went on a date with this really amazing guy. He was perfect, in almost everyway, for me and where I'm at on my journey. I thought to myself, "Ok. This is it. Here we go." I get a call from him during intermission of my show and he tells me that he isnt able to continue a relationship with me because he wants someone with a 9 to 5 job. He said he couldnt handle me being away all the time, especially nights, that he is a "Quality Time" love language sort of person and that he wants me to have my dreams and not have him hold me back. Well thats all good and great but that makes me feel real insecure about having a relationship and being in my career path.

In the musical "A Chorus Line", a musical about 21 auditioners begging a casting director to hire them by sharing their life stories, a song nearly closes the end of the musical called "What I did for Love" where the auditioners sing about the sacrifices they've made for their "love" of performance art.

They sing...

"Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.  
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love"

... so that's all good and well but there is nothing like REAL love. And that is as much a dream of mine to have as Broadway ever is, was, or will be. I will make sacrifices to be a Father and a Husband... but I also really want my artistic dreams too... how does one balance this out?

Essentially I've realized that I dont want to be a traveling actor, wandering from job to job and wishing that I had money and had a family but have the "LOVE" of theater be so great that I cant achieve those things. That doesnt seem like reality to me. That just seems insignificant.

So New York, if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere, its up to you. But I will not stop my life or my love life for you. I pray I will find a person who will be completely understanding and open to my profession, even love and admire it, and is strong enough to help me through it. Thats what I realize.

On My Sexuality/On My Spirituality

 *breath* So I'm Gay and I'm a Mormon... There you go. Or at least I think.

I want this to go over well. I think the natural tendancy for my Mormon friends and family will be "Oh no!!! We need to save him!" and for the otherside to say "Why doesnt he just let go!? Just be yourself!" Its so much more complicated then that.

This topic is so important but its exhausting. I've written and rewritten this blog post about 90 times now and I cant find the right way to write this. So I'll just spell it out. I feel like I have to. So much of my life right now is figuring out this problem... and if it is a problem.

My entire life I have fallen in love with everyone. Guys and Girls. I've never been able to separate the gender line feelings for either side. I've always had more of an emotional attachment towards men though. Always.

I've also been Mormon (LDS) my entire life. I love the church. There are truths in that church that have been witnessed to me time and time again as truth. I love how it makes me feel (mostly) when I attend. I served a two year mission for the church in San Antonio and Austin, Texas. By the end of those two years I could almost smell God. He was a constant presence, almost physically even, and I felt like I knew him so well. I represented the Mormons on UVU campus for an entire year. I love the scriptures, I love prayer, I love the promised blessings of the commandments like Tithing and the Word of Wisdom (no alcohol/drugs etc) but where it gets very complicated is Homosexuality.

When I was young and learned that homosexuality was wrong I shoved it to the side of my heart and didn't open or touch it for years. The last thing I wanted to do (and still is) is make the God that I believe exists upset with me or be unhappy with who I was. Therefore I altered the shape and power of my heart for so so long. Then, at 23, right when I was about to take the plunge with a girl forever and ever I was given an altercation and a challenge to my plans in the shape of a man that awakened that part of my heart forever. Now I struggle to close it. I struggle to want to close it. I cant put that part of me back. Its like that moment in the book "The Giver" when the little boy, who lives in a black and white world, throws an apple in the air and sees it turn red. After seeing that red apple he realizes how black and white everything always was but he can never forget that red. Without giving a ton away about what happened to me (with respects with both parties) I found some red in my life and I can never un-color it again. I can choose not to act on that red but I have to acknowledge that its there. I think its super important to accept what the colors of your life are and not try to hide them.

Do you know what its like to have a part of yourself be considered "evil" or "sinful" or "disgusting" from the upbringing you're used to? Aand have there be a commandment from God tell you that that isn't right? Last year I was so depressed that I wanted to die. I wanted to cut off this part of me forever. I didn't like who I was and I put so much effort into changing myself that I lost myself completely. It led me to want to end myself. And thats why I was encouraged to write this blog. Was to put my truths out there and figure out how to sort them. I really actually don't want to be gay. I think its super complicated. Men are real aggressive and stupid sometimes. Trying to navigate myself through that world when I myself am a man is complex. I've ended relationship with men because I didn't understand how to be with them. Am I the man or the woman in this relationship? What parts do I play? What are my expectations as a partner? These simple questions are answered easily in a straight relationship. Not so much in a gay relationship.

However when I kiss a man I feel beauty and ease. I feel a truth so strong and, although totally different, is like reading the scriptures. This is a truth for me. The first time I kissed a man I prayed and asked God to make me feel guilt and shame about it... it didn't come. Thats when I started thinking and asking myself questions as to how I feel about this whole thing.

I love the Latter Day Saint church. I really do. I legitimately think that their doctrines are true and I believe that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet. I believe Joseph Smith actually did what he said he did. I believe the Book of Mormon is another cannon of scripture. I also believe that I fall in love with men. I feel good when I do. I feel no evil and no sin when I kiss or touch or hold a man. I feel it as truth in my body.

This will be a journey of epic proportions to try and balance these two worlds because Im not willing to let either of them go. But I feel a sense of duty to be completely honest with myself.

So there you go. *sigh of relief*

On Discovering Will... I am? Whats in a name?

Gretchen Siepp, Blair Howell, Me, Lori Howell

The history of my name is complicated.

I was adopted by Blair and Lori Howell before I was born. My biological mother, Gretchen Siepp, was only 16 years old when she got pregnant with me and her second cousin, Lori, was unable to have children. And so off to the Howell's I went. Being progressive people, they wanted to name me Cooper. The Siepp's wanted me to have a name that runs in their family, like William. So I became William Cooper Howell. I think it sounds impressive. It sounds like a lawyer, or a doctor, or a politician, or an apostle in the LDS church; All things I've imagined myself becoming...

Its taken me a long time to like the name though. I've always gone by Cooper because that's what my parents wanted to call me in the first place. So they always have. Everyone always has. But when your 4 and every other child on the playground calls you "Cooper, the super dooper pooper scooper" you get an immediate distaste for your own being. The very thing you are called becomes something that you wish you could change and not have. Those psychological frightening's had a profound impact on my self esteem that perhaps lasts to this day. I had many long conversations with my parents asking them why, why, why they cursed me with the name I had. I can still smell the California playground and the feel the heat of the sun, still remember where I would stand and what the slow burning behind my brain for each of those times when other kids would make fun of my name. Those insults, when your younger, run so deep don't they? I feel like I'm finally to a place where I am OK with "Cooper". More and more babies are named it everyday. It took me 22 years to actually meet another one. Man, I sound like I just need to get over myself.

Not until recently have I actually acknowledged my first given name. William...

William \wi(l)-liam\ as a boy's name is pronounced WIL-yum (haha!). It is of Old German origin, and the meaning of William is "will helmet, protection". For a long time after the Norman conquest in AD 1066, three out of four English boys were given some form of the conqueror's name, William. Short forms and variants came into being with a common basic meaning of "will", "determined", or "resolute".

Its fancy, shmancy as compared to...

Cooper \co(o)-per\ as a boy's name is pronounced KOO-per. It is of Old English origin, and the meaning of Cooper is "barrel maker". May also be the English form of a German surname meaning "coppersmith".

... which is not awesome.

And Howell, from what I understand, were Hoe'ers of the field in Wales who "Hoed well". Good at Farming... so they become known for it? I dont think I've touched a hoe in my life. At least not the farming tool kind (Terrible joke, haha) 

Essentially then, Conquerer/Protector-barrel maker-hoer of the field. Its almost as if there is a slide downwards of coolness starting with the first name I barely recognize and to the last name I will be legally filed under forever.

Here's the deal. I've been living with Cooper for 24 years. He's pretty OK I guess. There is a lot I like about him; I think hes attractive, funny, introspective, intellectual, an appreciator, kind to others, a lover, an awesome kisser... but there is a bunch I don't like. First and foremost I don't know ANYTHING about him... that list up there is just things. But I continue to throw myself into situations that make me seriously unhappy. I have been seriously unhappy for around a year now. Anyone who knows me should be pretty surprised by that because I am a very good actor. But I'm tired of acting like I'm something I'm not. But I donut know what it is that I'm not. Who is Cooper? Do you know? I don't... In January and March of this year I tried to kill Cooper because I didn't like who he was and it didn't feel fair that I had to be someone I hated and didn't know. You follow?? 

If William means what it does then those attributes attached to that name are a part of me. Huh... I do not feel any protection to or from myself, I don't feel royal, I don't determined or resolute about anything in my life anymore. I dressed myself up in all sorts of clothes telling myself I am this and that and lived for 24 years in those clothes... but you know what, those clothes were itchy and smelly and didn't make me look good. 

Here I am now. I'm completely naked. I'm ready to start finding those clothes that fit. They might be clothes I've never tried on before... but I cant be afraid of the unknown anymore. I'm ready to find the William in my name. In me.

Soundtrack: Get Myself Together, Robyn