Seriously though... what is this thing that we call love?
It is the most absurdly obsessed over thing in our universe. It has this invisible, gravitational force that pulls it all into it. It doesn't help that our culture is obsessed with the idea of Love so that from a very early age we are thrown into its orbit. But we cant blame our culture and media for our worlds fascination with love. Our fascination with love just exists. In all its good and bad forms it exists and begs us to pay attention to it. Wars are won and lost over love, people are murdered for love, life-death-and the total meaning of life is determined by each of us by whether or not we achieve the level of love we feel like we deserve... How exhausting! If Love was a person I'd shake it by the shoulders and ask it to explain itself, but instead its unasked for needy little embryo of a holy entity that's big enough to fill the entire galaxy with endorphin popping ecstasy and small enough to be embedded in our chests by our hearts. I feel that we as society have come to adhere to the "ideas" of love so greatly that we have become idol worshipers, determined to bend over and bow to the suggestions of compatible human companionship rather then treating love like a deity that bestows its gifts where it may when its time. Which is right though? Creating love or receiving love? And when I say love I mean it in the romantic, two person, spend my life together type of love.
Not to be confused with the "love" typically found in the homosexual community. *eye roll* ugh... kill me now... A sea of broken souls who ride the waves of sex until they crash onto the beaches of emptiness and loneliness. Out of my boredom I downloaded the "Grindr" app and the adventures in "F*** me or die" land that I've had on there are among the saddest interactions with the most desperate people I have ever met. Its as if a penis will save them like a boey as they drown in an ocean of repression. My hell... what did that ever solve? But more on that later...
Me and Love have a wonderful/tumultuous relationship and... I think I might be addicted to it. I search for love more then I practice my craft, take work seriously, do my school work, etc. I am like Captain Ahab trying desperately to find and harpoon love and in turn love is like my Moby Dick; sometimes it lets me harpoon it and ride it and other times it eats me and swallows me whole. It is a maddening obsession of mine. I take love way to seriously and need to slow down with it, I know I do. But I feel like I am complete with it in my life and without it I feel pointless and slightly useless. Love has totally destroyed me on many occasions though. It is a nuke to the heart that takes months to recover from. I once loved someone so intensely that when this person left me and didnt want anything to do with me I felt as if someone had took the ability to be happy ever again out of my body. SOOO dramatic, I know, but its how it felt.
So why???? Why must we have love? Why is it so necessary? Why is love the point and purpose of our lives?
I think when I am in love with someone I give that person the innermost parts of myself that, when returned back to you, hurts and embarrasses and stabs and stains. Those innermost parts of me are fragile and can die of overexposure if it isnt put inside a place to keep warm... like a compatible heart. But it feels SO GOOD to have those moments of love that I give out those parts of myself like rapid fire. I believe in love so truly! But too deeply. I take it very seriously but leap at the opportunity of a trace of it which NEVER ends up good for me. So I've decided that instead of giving those precious parts of myself out like free samples at Harmons I'm waiting til someone decides to buy the whole product before I give up the goods. It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to hold back who I am when I'm with people but am no more going to give away the key to my soul (my secrets, my inspirations for my passions, the keys to my weaknesses) until I find a suitable door that leads to a room or a path that is right and not just good. AND I DESPERATELY WANT THIS! Gosh... to have love is my ultimate goal and I will not feel complete until I have it.
Which brings me to the point of Homosexuality. I'm sick of talking about it but its everywhere in my life right now. I don't know why but the discussion of it is swirling into everything. I have been told by those who love me, namely my parents, that it is not right for me to act on homosexual instincts and that I am to live a chaste life if I am not able to be with women. That is how I will get to God with my "disability" of having "homosexual tendencies". Now being with a woman is a whole separate conversation but the idea of being true to the gospel by never involving myself with a man makes sense to me in doctrinal terms. Yes I know. LDS doctrinal terms is something that I understand. However I dont know if I can live my entire life without giving myself to someone who I actually feel I can give myself to and have it returned. I dont feel like I will have truly lived until I find that love. I know that I am not the best me I can be without it... and to go through life not being the best me I can be would mean excepting a life unaccomplished and mediocre... and I dont feel like I can really truly live without love... and then what would the point of my life be if my goal of life isn't and cant be real... what would be the point of living... which brings me to those suicidal tendencies that linger and bubble deep down under the surface of my bones... which is a place Ill never go again... So am I sending myself to hell to find love? Can anyone really know? How Orpheus of me.
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