On My Sexuality/On My Spirituality

 *breath* So I'm Gay and I'm a Mormon... There you go. Or at least I think.

I want this to go over well. I think the natural tendancy for my Mormon friends and family will be "Oh no!!! We need to save him!" and for the otherside to say "Why doesnt he just let go!? Just be yourself!" Its so much more complicated then that.

This topic is so important but its exhausting. I've written and rewritten this blog post about 90 times now and I cant find the right way to write this. So I'll just spell it out. I feel like I have to. So much of my life right now is figuring out this problem... and if it is a problem.

My entire life I have fallen in love with everyone. Guys and Girls. I've never been able to separate the gender line feelings for either side. I've always had more of an emotional attachment towards men though. Always.

I've also been Mormon (LDS) my entire life. I love the church. There are truths in that church that have been witnessed to me time and time again as truth. I love how it makes me feel (mostly) when I attend. I served a two year mission for the church in San Antonio and Austin, Texas. By the end of those two years I could almost smell God. He was a constant presence, almost physically even, and I felt like I knew him so well. I represented the Mormons on UVU campus for an entire year. I love the scriptures, I love prayer, I love the promised blessings of the commandments like Tithing and the Word of Wisdom (no alcohol/drugs etc) but where it gets very complicated is Homosexuality.

When I was young and learned that homosexuality was wrong I shoved it to the side of my heart and didn't open or touch it for years. The last thing I wanted to do (and still is) is make the God that I believe exists upset with me or be unhappy with who I was. Therefore I altered the shape and power of my heart for so so long. Then, at 23, right when I was about to take the plunge with a girl forever and ever I was given an altercation and a challenge to my plans in the shape of a man that awakened that part of my heart forever. Now I struggle to close it. I struggle to want to close it. I cant put that part of me back. Its like that moment in the book "The Giver" when the little boy, who lives in a black and white world, throws an apple in the air and sees it turn red. After seeing that red apple he realizes how black and white everything always was but he can never forget that red. Without giving a ton away about what happened to me (with respects with both parties) I found some red in my life and I can never un-color it again. I can choose not to act on that red but I have to acknowledge that its there. I think its super important to accept what the colors of your life are and not try to hide them.

Do you know what its like to have a part of yourself be considered "evil" or "sinful" or "disgusting" from the upbringing you're used to? Aand have there be a commandment from God tell you that that isn't right? Last year I was so depressed that I wanted to die. I wanted to cut off this part of me forever. I didn't like who I was and I put so much effort into changing myself that I lost myself completely. It led me to want to end myself. And thats why I was encouraged to write this blog. Was to put my truths out there and figure out how to sort them. I really actually don't want to be gay. I think its super complicated. Men are real aggressive and stupid sometimes. Trying to navigate myself through that world when I myself am a man is complex. I've ended relationship with men because I didn't understand how to be with them. Am I the man or the woman in this relationship? What parts do I play? What are my expectations as a partner? These simple questions are answered easily in a straight relationship. Not so much in a gay relationship.

However when I kiss a man I feel beauty and ease. I feel a truth so strong and, although totally different, is like reading the scriptures. This is a truth for me. The first time I kissed a man I prayed and asked God to make me feel guilt and shame about it... it didn't come. Thats when I started thinking and asking myself questions as to how I feel about this whole thing.

I love the Latter Day Saint church. I really do. I legitimately think that their doctrines are true and I believe that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet. I believe Joseph Smith actually did what he said he did. I believe the Book of Mormon is another cannon of scripture. I also believe that I fall in love with men. I feel good when I do. I feel no evil and no sin when I kiss or touch or hold a man. I feel it as truth in my body.

This will be a journey of epic proportions to try and balance these two worlds because Im not willing to let either of them go. But I feel a sense of duty to be completely honest with myself.

So there you go. *sigh of relief*