... and is it possible for dreams to change overtime? Is it possible for a person to be OK with those dreams changing? Will one regret having a dream change when they look back on their life? Do dreams always have a cost?
My dream for almost my entire life was to be a successful entertainer. On stage, on film, on the radio, on the television, I dreamed and still do dream of doing everything and being exceptionally good at it and well known.
As I get older though I'm starting to look at my dreams and wonder what they are all about. "What is the purpose of a dream?" I'm starting to ask... and the mere fact that I'm asking that frightens me.
I am in a production of "In the Heights" at the Pioneer Theater in Salt Lake City. I play a young, horny, BMX biker in the ensemble. This theater is nationally renowned and highly recognized for its quality and professionalism. Most of the principle characters in this production are paid professionals apart of a national union of actors (AEA) and their lives are centered around performing and around traveling. They are to be my peers and compatriots in the performing arts world. They are very talented... but I wonder to myself as I watch them if they are happy? I wonder what they feel their lives are about? Most of them dont have families because they dont have time. A lot of them are single. Does traveling America and performing for strangers fulfill ones life?
The other day I went on a date with this really amazing guy. He was perfect, in almost everyway, for me and where I'm at on my journey. I thought to myself, "Ok. This is it. Here we go." I get a call from him during intermission of my show and he tells me that he isnt able to continue a relationship with me because he wants someone with a 9 to 5 job. He said he couldnt handle me being away all the time, especially nights, that he is a "Quality Time" love language sort of person and that he wants me to have my dreams and not have him hold me back. Well thats all good and great but that makes me feel real insecure about having a relationship and being in my career path.
In the musical "A Chorus Line", a musical about 21 auditioners begging a casting director to hire them by sharing their life stories, a song nearly closes the end of the musical called "What I did for Love" where the auditioners sing about the sacrifices they've made for their "love" of performance art.
They sing...
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love"
... so that's all good and well but there is nothing like REAL love. And that is as much a dream of mine to have as Broadway ever is, was, or will be. I will make sacrifices to be a Father and a Husband... but I also really want my artistic dreams too... how does one balance this out?
Essentially I've realized that I dont want to be a traveling actor, wandering from job to job and wishing that I had money and had a family but have the "LOVE" of theater be so great that I cant achieve those things. That doesnt seem like reality to me. That just seems insignificant.
So New York, if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere, its up to you. But I will not stop my life or my love life for you. I pray I will find a person who will be completely understanding and open to my profession, even love and admire it, and is strong enough to help me through it. Thats what I realize.
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